CONGRATULATIONS! WELCOME TO UNAMERICA!

     
 

NEWS FLASH! Canadia Now Good!
2000-10-23 13:47:00


Canadia Sucks
 
Most of the time "ugly" is a state of mind. To surpass that state of mind, you have to encourage the ugly person to reach beyond their ugliness - this is what the liquor is for. If that doesn't work, you'll need to look very hard for the inner beauty of the ugly person - this is what the paper bag is for.
-- MLP

 

For some time it may have seemed as though it were Pigdog Journal editorial policy that Canadia is Bad. Considering that this is the Online Handbook for Bad People of the Future, some of us aren't sure if that's a Bad thing. Or a Good thing. Or... whatever.

To my knowledge, there is no such editorial policy here at PDJ. In fact, I can assure our readers that the professional journalists here at PDJ rely on scientific testing and sound logic when determining the relative Goodness or Badness of Canadia. The facts are reported accuratley without any anti-Canadia bias.

PDJ has taken quite a bit of flak over this issue. Many irate Canadian readers have written in (sometimes we get several pieces of such hate mail every day) to complain about our treatment of Canadia. A recent example:

Buddy, first of all, you're a fucking retard. To think it's called Canadia is to be an american. Or as we call it here, an idiot. You might think Canada sucks, but you know what, you're just jealous. You're jealous that we're the #1 Nation of Hockey, the best place to live, (voted I don't know HOW many times consecutively), and you're also jealous of the fact that our Canadian girls are FUCKING HOT!!!!! First, if you wanna bash us, have a good reason. You know, we don't sleep in igloos, we have running water, and explain to me why us Canadians keep doing incredible things with our population of 30 million, where as yours, of over 200 million can't fucking keep up with anything we do? Canada (or as idiots, oh, pardon me, americans call it, Canadia, according to you) rocks the world, and you know it. You just can't admit it. So fuck you, and have a great life.

The reader makes some cogent points. In fact, our crack investigative team has found evidence of running water in Canadia. Much progress has been made in turning this frozen wasteland into a colony habitable for human life. For this Canadians are to be commended. Furthermore, there's the issue of hockey which, although not quite as elegant or refined a sport as Argentinian lesbian midget jellowrestling, clearly has its merits.

But the real point this gentleman makes is, in his words, "our Canadian girls are FUCKING HOT!!!!!". This is a credit to Canadia as well as a chief obstacle to Canadian Goodness. See, the problematic thing is, while Canadia has undeniably brought us lovely young women such as Dorothy Stratten, Canadia ultimately has brought us also the likes of her husband Paul Snider. I think we can all see what the problem is here. What's the point of having "FUCKING HOT!!!!!" babes if all you do is kill them in such a way that doesn't even leave a pretty corpse?

So dear reader, I'm sure that you can see why we've had such difficulty with Canadia.

It must however be noted that Dorothy Stratten did live long enough to take her clothes off in front of numerous photographers. Her legacy has been preserved. We have to look at the gestalt of this sort of trouble and accept the rose along with the thorns. The question becomes, rather than "is Canadia all good or all bad?", instead, "on the whole, is Canadia more good or bad." See, professionals such as the ones you may read here in this marvelous publication, rely upon empirical scientific data rather than base prejudice when determining the spin to put on events north of the border.

Because of all this, I am pleased to announce that new scientific evidence has been released that nudges Canadia up to 51.2% good and only 49.8% bad. Hooray Canadia!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

ixian@pigdog.org


comments powered by Disqus
 
     

 

T O P   S T O R I E S

The One Trump Conspiracy That Will Explain Everything
by El Destino

No, Google Isn't Using Grand Theft Auto To Train Self-Driving Cars
by El Destino

Amazon's 'Dash' Button For Doritos Panned By Potheads
by El Destino

O'Reilly Auto's Site Now Sells Parts For Time Machines
by El Destino

10-09

El Destino

Frank Sinatra told Donald Trump to "go fuck himself"

07-05

El Destino

Whatever happened to JenniCam's Jennifer Ringley?

05-03

El Destino

Iíve Made Millions Selling Fake Plastic Hillbilly Teeth

05-03

Baron Earl

Fyre Fest Lawsuit

05-03

Baron Earl

US Government uses drones to shoot M&Ms at endangered ferrets

05-03

Baron Earl

When will the abuse of airline passengers stop?

05-03

El Destino

Hillbilly miner turned coder wants to make Kentucky into "Silicon Holler"

03-31

El Destino

86-year-old William Shatner cast in a new romantic comedy: 'Senior Moment'

03-19

El Destino

New ransomware taunts its victims with ASCII art of Spock and Kirk

01-26

Flesh

Alex Jones is Big, Fat, And Drunk in Public.

08-01

El Destino

Amazon's secret: incest in the Kindle ad?

08-01

El Destino

Slut Walk! Sexy feminist protest, or invaders from Mars?

04-25

Daemon Agent

The Quest for the Best Cheap Beer in a Can

04-25

Eugene Leitl

Beverage science at its finest

04-16

El Destino

YouTube punishes copyright offenders with animated pirate cat

04-09

Baron Earl

Poll shows that almost half of Mississippi's Republicans think interracial marriage should be illegal

04-07

Baron Earl

Commodore64 redux - now with Linux

04-06

El Destino

George Takei demonstrates why he should be playing Spider-Man

04-01

El Destino

High school students sacrifice chickens to improve their batting average

03-31

Baron Earl

Creating a wall-hangable computer from an Ikea shadow box frame

More Quickies...