NEWS FLASH! Canadia Now Good!

by The Compulsive Splicer

2000-10-23 13:47:00

Canadia Sucks

For some time it may have seemed as though it were Pigdog Journal editorial policy that Canadia is Bad. Considering that this is the Online Handbook for Bad People of the Future, some of us aren't sure if that's a Bad thing. Or a Good thing. Or... whatever.

To my knowledge, there is no such editorial policy here at PDJ. In fact, I can assure our readers that the professional journalists here at PDJ rely on scientific testing and sound logic when determining the relative Goodness or Badness of Canadia. The facts are reported accuratley without any anti-Canadia bias.

PDJ has taken quite a bit of flak over this issue. Many irate Canadian readers have written in (sometimes we get several pieces of such hate mail every day) to complain about our treatment of Canadia. A recent example:

Buddy, first of all, you're a fucking retard. To think it's called Canadia is to be an american. Or as we call it here, an idiot. You might think Canada sucks, but you know what, you're just jealous. You're jealous that we're the #1 Nation of Hockey, the best place to live, (voted I don't know HOW many times consecutively), and you're also jealous of the fact that our Canadian girls are FUCKING HOT!!!!! First, if you wanna bash us, have a good reason. You know, we don't sleep in igloos, we have running water, and explain to me why us Canadians keep doing incredible things with our population of 30 million, where as yours, of over 200 million can't fucking keep up with anything we do? Canada (or as idiots, oh, pardon me, americans call it, Canadia, according to you) rocks the world, and you know it. You just can't admit it. So fuck you, and have a great life.

The reader makes some cogent points. In fact, our crack investigative team has found evidence of running water in Canadia. Much progress has been made in turning this frozen wasteland into a colony habitable for human life. For this Canadians are to be commended. Furthermore, there's the issue of hockey which, although not quite as elegant or refined a sport as Argentinian lesbian midget jellowrestling, clearly has its merits.

But the real point this gentleman makes is, in his words, "our Canadian girls are FUCKING HOT!!!!!". This is a credit to Canadia as well as a chief obstacle to Canadian Goodness. See, the problematic thing is, while Canadia has undeniably brought us lovely young women such as Dorothy Stratten, Canadia ultimately has brought us also the likes of her husband Paul Snider. I think we can all see what the problem is here. What's the point of having "FUCKING HOT!!!!!" babes if all you do is kill them in such a way that doesn't even leave a pretty corpse?

So dear reader, I'm sure that you can see why we've had such difficulty with Canadia.

It must however be noted that Dorothy Stratten did live long enough to take her clothes off in front of numerous photographers. Her legacy has been preserved. We have to look at the gestalt of this sort of trouble and accept the rose along with the thorns. The question becomes, rather than "is Canadia all good or all bad?", instead, "on the whole, is Canadia more good or bad." See, professionals such as the ones you may read here in this marvelous publication, rely upon empirical scientific data rather than base prejudice when determining the spin to put on events north of the border.

Because of all this, I am pleased to announce that new scientific evidence has been released that nudges Canadia up to 51.2% good and only 49.8% bad. Hooray Canadia!

iambic@pigdog.org