Do you want some pie, boy? - Pigdog Journal

     
 

Raisin Scare Grinds Canadian Economy to a Halt
2002-04-17 15:34:15


Canadia Sucks
 
You're just mad because you're up in Washington and have to import wine from a good state, like California. We eat like kings here.
-- Ratsnatcher

 

The message is clear: if you're a raisin, stay the hell out of Canadia.

Or at least that seems to be the gist of a recent article in a Candian newspaper. Raisins "impair learning ability, affect behaviour; there are links to anti-social behaviour, juvenile delinquency and crime," claims one weirdo. Which could be true. But how would you tell the difference between an Impaired Canadian and a Normal one? I never got that far in my textbook, unfortunately, so I'll just have to keep on the lookout for Weird Canadians holding boxes of raisins.

Now if you're Canadian, I'm sure you've gone and looked at this link and are just about to fire off a nasty letter to the Pigdog hatemail box pointing out that what the article is actually fretting over is not really raisins, per se, meaning those delicious wrinkled grapes that we here in America put on our cereal and that those up in Canadia sprinkle over their mutton-flavored sherbet, but certain types of lead-covered raisins imported from places like Turkey and Afghanistan, where lead is considered a delicacy.

Yes, I understand all of that. The lead is causing all of these horrible juvenile deliquency problems, not the raisins themselves. We're very clear on that point, so hold your email.

Here's what I want to know, however: why the fuck do you people eat lead-covered raisins? What sort of weird mutants are you all, anyway? I could understand dipping things in chocolate; chocolate tastes good, and it doesn't turn infants into mutants. I even sort of understand poutine, after a fashion; it's not any weirder than grits, really, and it makes sense in a sort of "freezing the split pea soup" sort of Canucky way. But lead? LEAD?

What sort of people would do a thing like that? Don't you understand that lead is a POISON? You can't just go around ingesting heavy metals and expecting to pay no consequences. What's the next big story we're going to find on canada.com? "Doctors Warn Against Being Stabbed?" "Experts: Cyanide Tablets Not 'Cure All' As Previously Thought?"

Do I have to explain everything to you Canadians?

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

extra@pigdog.org


comments powered by Disqus
 
     

 

C L A S S I C   P I G D O G

Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
by El Snatcher & Ms. BunnyPenny

Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
by Flesh

GNUisance
by El Snatcher, Mr. Bad

WE'RE STILL TOTAL LOSERS JESUS
by Mr. Bad

10-09

El Destino

Frank Sinatra told Donald Trump to "go fuck himself"

07-05

El Destino

Whatever happened to JenniCam's Jennifer Ringley?

05-03

El Destino

Iíve Made Millions Selling Fake Plastic Hillbilly Teeth

05-03

Baron Earl

Fyre Fest Lawsuit

05-03

Baron Earl

US Government uses drones to shoot M&Ms at endangered ferrets

05-03

Baron Earl

When will the abuse of airline passengers stop?

05-03

El Destino

Hillbilly miner turned coder wants to make Kentucky into "Silicon Holler"

03-31

El Destino

86-year-old William Shatner cast in a new romantic comedy: 'Senior Moment'

03-19

El Destino

New ransomware taunts its victims with ASCII art of Spock and Kirk

01-26

Flesh

Alex Jones is Big, Fat, And Drunk in Public.

08-01

El Destino

Amazon's secret: incest in the Kindle ad?

08-01

El Destino

Slut Walk! Sexy feminist protest, or invaders from Mars?

04-25

Daemon Agent

The Quest for the Best Cheap Beer in a Can

04-25

Eugene Leitl

Beverage science at its finest

04-16

El Destino

YouTube punishes copyright offenders with animated pirate cat

04-09

Baron Earl

Poll shows that almost half of Mississippi's Republicans think interracial marriage should be illegal

04-07

Baron Earl

Commodore64 redux - now with Linux

04-06

El Destino

George Takei demonstrates why he should be playing Spider-Man

04-01

El Destino

High school students sacrifice chickens to improve their batting average

03-31

Baron Earl

Creating a wall-hangable computer from an Ikea shadow box frame

More Quickies...