Canada has assured a worried US State Department that, despite recent indications to the
contrary, it does not plan on attacking Iraq. The denial puts a lid on widely circulating
rumors, mostly in my head, that Canada had been devising a stealthy sneak attack on
Saddam Hussein involving the use of a small fleet of rickety commercial fishing boats and
thousands of 64 oz. jugs of maple syrup. And possibly hovercrafts.
Canadian Prime Minister Jacque Chretien demonstrated his usual iron-trap grasp of current
geopolitical events when he told Canadian television network CTV that Canadian forces
had "joined the international coalition to fight the Taliban" and Osama bin Laden,
something most of the world had known about for weeks, at least.
But that doesn't mean that Canada would support a US attack on Iraq, Chretien said,
adding that more proof of Iraq's involvement in harboring terrorism would have to be
offered before he would start trying to elbow Tony Blair out of the "George Bush's
Bestest Friend" picture again, like he did in late September and early October after he
was soundly thrashed by public opinion after a number of really inept Canuck diplomats
got up in front of microphones and waffled on the question of just how bad the terrorists
were, really, and was it fair to call it "terrorism" just because we don't like what they
do? And are they really bad people? And isn't it fair to say the US brought this on
themselves? Aren't we being a little Westerncentric here? Hello? Is this thing on?!?
Later in the interview, Chretien looked up from Bush's lap long enough to exhibit a
stunning bit of detective work. "The problem with Iraq is not the same because bin Laden
is (not) there and al-Qaida is not there, as far as we know," he said, adding that he had
been personally assured of this fact by sources close to bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and
Australian funnyman Yahoo Serious, and that he also knew it was true because his "Lucky
Mood Ring" was currently glowing a vivid shade of blue, and the last time that happened
he won a free happy meal in the "Who Wants to Be a Hoser Millionaire" scratch-off game at
Chretien was ominously silent, however, on the potential role of hovercrafts in the
ongoing war on terrorism.