Canada "Not Ready to Attack Iraq"

by Tjames Madison

2001-12-22 03:25:45

Canadia Sucks

Canada has assured a worried US State Department that, despite recent indications to the contrary, it does not plan on attacking Iraq. The denial puts a lid on widely circulating rumors, mostly in my head, that Canada had been devising a stealthy sneak attack on Saddam Hussein involving the use of a small fleet of rickety commercial fishing boats and thousands of 64 oz. jugs of maple syrup. And possibly hovercrafts.

Canadian Prime Minister Jacque Chretien demonstrated his usual iron-trap grasp of current geopolitical events when he told Canadian television network CTV that Canadian forces had "joined the international coalition to fight the Taliban" and Osama bin Laden, something most of the world had known about for weeks, at least.

But that doesn't mean that Canada would support a US attack on Iraq, Chretien said, adding that more proof of Iraq's involvement in harboring terrorism would have to be offered before he would start trying to elbow Tony Blair out of the "George Bush's Bestest Friend" picture again, like he did in late September and early October after he was soundly thrashed by public opinion after a number of really inept Canuck diplomats got up in front of microphones and waffled on the question of just how bad the terrorists were, really, and was it fair to call it "terrorism" just because we don't like what they do? And are they really bad people? And isn't it fair to say the US brought this on themselves? Aren't we being a little Westerncentric here? Hello? Is this thing on?!?

Later in the interview, Chretien looked up from Bush's lap long enough to exhibit a stunning bit of detective work. "The problem with Iraq is not the same because bin Laden is (not) there and al-Qaida is not there, as far as we know," he said, adding that he had been personally assured of this fact by sources close to bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and Australian funnyman Yahoo Serious, and that he also knew it was true because his "Lucky Mood Ring" was currently glowing a vivid shade of blue, and the last time that happened he won a free happy meal in the "Who Wants to Be a Hoser Millionaire" scratch-off game at McDonald's.

Chretien was ominously silent, however, on the potential role of hovercrafts in the ongoing war on terrorism.

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jared@pigdog.org