Build Date: Sun Jul 13 10:42:37 2025 UTC
I woke up at 9:00 PM yesterday, so I'm going to save my bottles of stout for this afternoon when I watch Columbo. I'm really into Columbo now.
-- Ratsnatcher
Once More Into the Behavioral Sink, Boys!
2000-05-10 00:28:05
Frankly, I just wanted to use that headline for something. I didn't have anything to go with it, so I looked around and found this story about Bryan Adams, the kind of story that makes you think, "Ick, Bryan Adams!" So now I can use this headline!
Also I get to piss off Canadians some more by using that headling and writing about Bryan Adams. Canadians love Bryan Adams, you see. He is their Cliff Richard, and you just can't tell them they are wrong and stupid for living Bryan Adams, even if they are. It is like if we here in America all got up one day and told the world, "Jim Nabors is our Great National Treasure! No one is a great a singer as Jim Nabors, so fuck off Italy and Spain and all those places with one or more of the Three Tenors! Jim Nabors kicks your BUTT!"
Ah, how dumb we would be. Ergo, Jim Nabors = Bryan Adams, except for exactly real to Canadia. See?!? Would you take any smack from a country like that? I don't think so. Real countries have real heroes. Like we have Mario Andretti. And Austria has Arnold Schwarzenegger. And Jamaica has those bobsled guys. Canadia has Bryan Adams, because that is the sort of chumps that they are up there.
Oh, so the story that the headline goes with! Some venture capitalist in Vancouver got married, and for the entertainment for the wedding, he had Bryan Adams "flown in from London" to play "music." Like Bryan Adams is really just sitting around waiting to be "flown in from London." Right. I bet he was working at a volunteer car wash in Saskatoon when the call came, and just SAID he was in London. And there's a big story about in the Vancouver Sun, because Canadians are desperate people.
I bet if Howie Mandel told jokes at some American guy's wedding, it wouldn't be in any real newspapers. Maybe some kind of giveaway shopper's sheet, but we aren't that kind of people, really.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
Pao Tzu: Obtaining San Pedro Cactus
Horticultural clone master, Pao Tzu, guides you through the ins and outs of stealing hallucinogenic cacti from your neighbors' yards. Ooh la la! (More...)
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)