Pigdog Journal (Canadia Sucks) -- Stupid Canadian Words

We all use Canadian English every day: when we order a pizza "all-dressed", hope to get a "seat sale" to go south during "March break", or "book off" work to meet with a "CGA" to discuss "RRSPs." The above jibberish comes from a web page promoting the "Canadian Oxford Dictionary," an attempt to subvert our cherished English language with stupid -- and sometimes perverted -- Canadian-isms.

Though it's a dictionary, the book's site promises that its 1,728 pages "cover all aspects of Canadian life... The loggers of the west coast, the wheat farmers of the Prairies, the fishermen of the Atlantic provinces, the trappers of the North..." Spelling and pronunciation are only the stepping stones to a broader indoctrination into sinister Canadian re-education schemes. A clue to their agenda lies hidden in the web page's warning that "Language embodies our nation's identity." Patriotism's fifth column has apparently become the language itself.

Of course, this is jingoistic Canada-baiting. Another rumor has it that strict "Canadian Content" laws required that the Oxford English Dictionary be overhauled to include more Canadian English words. Support for this theory comes from the web page's boast that the book "contains over 2,000 distinctly Canadian words and meanings -- more than any other Canadian dictionary!" And indeed, some of the words do seem to be a true reflection of the Canadian culture as this Pigdog staffer sees it.

"Imagine what's missing in the rest of the alphabet!" the demented Canadian lexicographers leer.

But pandering to your audience will only get you so far. A careful study of the remainder of the list reveals that the unscrupulous hucksters have also included such uniquely Canadian terms as "bond store," "astronaut," and "blood donor clinic," plus the words "avail," "away," and "banking".