Build Date: Thu May 1 06:10:48 2025 UTC
There must be better things I can spend my time doing...like rampantly masturbating or something.
-- Paul Vortex
Let's See Him Get Out of This One
2000-02-08 13:09:38
Canadian Magician and Servant of Satan Doug Henning is now attempting an ancient escape act so unique and dangerous that only one other performer has successfully succeeded in performing it over 2000 years ago!
For those who may not be familiar with Doug, Mr. Henning rose to fame in the 1970's by
Fortunately, people realized that act was mediocre, and dropped him like a hot potato. With no more juicy American dollars to keep afloat his feeble hobby, Doug was forced to return to a humble existence of performing at children's birthday parties in Moose Jaw, usually in an alcohol/heroin stupor (rumor has it this would turn violent on some occasions).
In his favor, it should be noted that every night he would lock himself in his basement for hours. Strange noises, smells and chanting would drift up from the floorboards, hinting a promise that something terrific was to come. Last night, Doug revealed what would be the feat that would put him above and beyond his modern peers. Doug would defeat death itself!
Last night, a naked Doug laid in his deathbed. He dismissed all but a doctor (in order to do medical certifications) from his room. He is said to have eaten enough opium to kill a herd of bison, as he chanted strange verses of an unknown language while holding two large black candles. The 54-year-old illusionist expired sometime around midnight. The only instructions left was that his body was to be autopsied by a blindfolded first year medical student using only kitchen utensils. This evening, his body and internal organs will be buried in separate graves. Both will be filled with scavenging insects such as maggots and Carrion Beetles, a few hours later a layer of fertilizer will be dumped in before being topped off with radioactive concrete, with the surrounding soil being saturated with 80,000 gallons of hydrochloric acid.
If all goes well, The Amazing Doug will rise out of the grave in three days. If he pulls this one off, he most certainly will restore the awe of magic, not to mention that the people of Canadia are not the evil sub-demons the world views them as being.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Pao Tzu: Obtaining San Pedro Cactus
Horticultural clone master, Pao Tzu, guides you through the ins and outs of stealing hallucinogenic cacti from your neighbors' yards. Ooh la la! (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
It was the night of the Leonid meteor showers -- the perfect opportunity to break out the evil opaline liquor, get madder than hatters, and test wireless ethernet hardware... Would the plunging meteorites interfere with the 2.4GHz band? What about our delicate brain waves? (More...)