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Let's See Him Get Out of This One
2000-02-08 13:09:38


Canadia Sucks
 
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving `normally.
-- HST

 

Canadian Magician and Servant of Satan Doug Henning is now attempting an ancient escape act so unique and dangerous that only one other performer has successfully succeeded in performing it over 2000 years ago!

For those who may not be familiar with Doug, Mr. Henning rose to fame in the 1970's by

  • Wearing long girly man hair & brightly colored outfits that would later be sold off to the sitcom TV show Mork & Mindy
  • A moustache that would rival Lemmy of Motorhead.
  • A monstrous overbite that could easily take a chunk out of Detroit from the edge of the Canadian border.

Fortunately, people realized that act was mediocre, and dropped him like a hot potato. With no more juicy American dollars to keep afloat his feeble hobby, Doug was forced to return to a humble existence of performing at children's birthday parties in Moose Jaw, usually in an alcohol/heroin stupor (rumor has it this would turn violent on some occasions).

In his favor, it should be noted that every night he would lock himself in his basement for hours. Strange noises, smells and chanting would drift up from the floorboards, hinting a promise that something terrific was to come. Last night, Doug revealed what would be the feat that would put him above and beyond his modern peers. Doug would defeat death itself!

Last night, a naked Doug laid in his deathbed. He dismissed all but a doctor (in order to do medical certifications) from his room. He is said to have eaten enough opium to kill a herd of bison, as he chanted strange verses of an unknown language while holding two large black candles. The 54-year-old illusionist expired sometime around midnight. The only instructions left was that his body was to be autopsied by a blindfolded first year medical student using only kitchen utensils. This evening, his body and internal organs will be buried in separate graves. Both will be filled with scavenging insects such as maggots and Carrion Beetles, a few hours later a layer of fertilizer will be dumped in before being topped off with radioactive concrete, with the surrounding soil being saturated with 80,000 gallons of hydrochloric acid.

If all goes well, The Amazing Doug will rise out of the grave in three days. If he pulls this one off, he most certainly will restore the awe of magic, not to mention that the people of Canadia are not the evil sub-demons the world views them as being.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

quintuplet@pigdog.org


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