Let's See Him Get Out of This One
2000-02-08 13:09:38
Canadian Magician and Servant of Satan Doug Henning is now attempting an ancient escape act so unique and dangerous that only one other performer has successfully succeeded in performing it over 2000 years ago!
For those who may not be familiar with Doug, Mr. Henning rose to fame in the 1970's by
Fortunately, people realized that act was mediocre, and dropped him like a hot potato. With no more juicy American dollars to keep afloat his feeble hobby, Doug was forced to return to a humble existence of performing at children's birthday parties in Moose Jaw, usually in an alcohol/heroin stupor (rumor has it this would turn violent on some occasions).
In his favor, it should be noted that every night he would lock himself in his basement for hours. Strange noises, smells and chanting would drift up from the floorboards, hinting a promise that something terrific was to come. Last night, Doug revealed what would be the feat that would put him above and beyond his modern peers. Doug would defeat death itself!
Last night, a naked Doug laid in his deathbed. He dismissed all but a doctor (in order to do medical certifications) from his room. He is said to have eaten enough opium to kill a herd of bison, as he chanted strange verses of an unknown language while holding two large black candles. The 54-year-old illusionist expired sometime around midnight. The only instructions left was that his body was to be autopsied by a blindfolded first year medical student using only kitchen utensils. This evening, his body and internal organs will be buried in separate graves. Both will be filled with scavenging insects such as maggots and Carrion Beetles, a few hours later a layer of fertilizer will be dumped in before being topped off with radioactive concrete, with the surrounding soil being saturated with 80,000 gallons of hydrochloric acid.
If all goes well, The Amazing Doug will rise out of the grave in three days. If he pulls this one off, he most certainly will restore the awe of magic, not to mention that the people of Canadia are not the evil sub-demons the world views them as being.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
For all you Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAG) out there who complain about not getting laid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: Women only like to have sex with jerks. (More...)
Still Up For the Party? America's Dance Floors Are Graying
Raving over 30 doesn't have to be embarassing anymore. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)