Bush UpChucks on Subcontinent

I would never have suspected that George Bush was a dime store Chuck Norris, waiting for the opportunity to bust a move on some random, unsuspecting foreign leader. Such has been the case as of late with the Bushwhacker's trip to the Subcontinent. Though vastly unreported in the conventional media, my well-placed sources in the Foreign Service Bureau say that Pakistani "president" Pervez Musharraf is undergoing emergency surgery this week to remove his testicles from his upper chest.

Apparently, it was the light-speed, invisible kick to the groin that Musharraf took from Bush at a press conference the other day that caused the masculinity-ending injury to the Pakistani leader. Doctors report that only a brutal crackdown on the "enemies of democracy" can help Musharraf recover any semblance of his former appeal among the Muslim people of his own, or any other, country. However, other physicians thought the Pakistani leader would be cutting his own knees off by doing so. It's a grim prognosis: an ignominious, impotent departure from office for the former general and coup beneficiary, or a short, but vital, life of paraplegic fortune.

But much like the stunning force of nature that is the real Chuck Norris, there is much laughter in the emasculation of the enemy. This time, that laughter is from the nearly-a-billion inhabitants of the Newly Nuclear India. India has, for decades, possessed nuclear weapons while maintaining a nearly Israeli deniability about its stockpiles. Nuclear Nonproliferation treaties have come and gone, all without an Indian signature. Three wars with Pakistan since 1947 have reinforced the notion that at least a few nukes is a good idea. Unfortunately, this philosophy has put India at odds with the United States even while democratic elections have flourished in the land of Ghandi. The rift was widened by a few key incidents, notably the Indian alliance with the Soviet Union over the latter's invasion of Afghanistan in 1979 and an ill-advised burst of nuclear macho in 1998. Decades of cultural backbone paid off in spades with the recent Bush visit, though. Apparently Bollywood has spread the notion of a badass cowboy gunslinger to the former British possession. Now India gets to snicker its way into town as the new sheriff, courtesy of the world's lamest Chuck Norris clone.

What at first appears to be a masterful stroke of foreign diplomacy quickly fades into yet another threat to the United States. In sealing the deal with India to provide them nuclear fuel and "civilian program assistance," the Bush Brigade also opened the U.S. advanced weapons market to the Indian government. This means that in addition to getting uranium from Uncle Sam, India can now purchase high-tech fighters, helicopters, missiles, and bombs from the U.S. We have just started another arms race in that region—-one that's guaranteed to be matched by Pakistan, China, and others. By bestowing "Most Favored Arms" status on a new ally, the Bush and his cronies have once again alienated and enraged all other nations in the region, including Pakistan and China. In addition, incensed radicals are more likely to vent their anger directly on the U.S. or its troops abroad. This is hardly the global security we need at the moment.

Moreover, the Bush maneuver backhanded Pakistan at a critical time. Despite Musharraf's generous assistance in the War on Terror, the White House offered no rewards whatsoever to Pakistan. By granting First Country nuclear status to Pakistan's bitter rival, the Bush team has sent an unequivocal message to the Muslim world: "You will never be allowed to have nuclear weapons of any kind." And this towards a country that has been cooperative with the U.S. global mission. For all the falderal Bush put out over the Dubai Ports deal in terms of why an Arab-owned business was being so closely scrutinized, it seems like that same level of scrutiny comes in handy when distinguishing one rogue nuclear nation from another.

And just what could Pakistan have done to earn the U.S. invitation to the global nuclear fraternity? Nothing. Even handing over Osama bin Laden's head in a bag wouldn't have worked. Not that Musharraf is going to do that anyway. While allowing his government to assist the U.S. in the arrests of hundreds of purported al Qaida operatives, the Pakistani president has yet to make any hardcore efforts to bag OBL. Such an action would undoubtedly mark Musharraf as a dead man among the legion of highly-effective Muslim radicals who continue to bomb, shoot, stab, kidnap, and otherwise murder those who oppose them. The car bombing of a U.S. official in Karachi the day before Bush's visit illustrates this very well.

Besides, the U.S. is still smarting from the work of A.Q. Khan, the Pakistani nuclear scientist and father of that nation's atomic weapons program. In addition to spying for Pakistan and pilfering technology from other nations in order to build the Pakistani arsenal, Khan has committed the cardinal sin of supplying other Muslim nations with nuclear know-how. Though technically under house arrest in Pakistan, Khan is widely revered throughout that nation and may even be more popular than its president. So long as Khan remains alive and ready to assist in the development of any Pakistani nuclear weapons program, the United States will never legitimize Pakistan's nuclear ambitions.

So as Pervez Musharraf recovers from his testicle retrieval surgery, I expect bouquets of flowers from Iran and North Korea to fill the room. Their causes in terms of nuclear expansion have just been furthered to an Nth degree. The corrosive hypocrisy of the Bush administration policy on nuclear weapons proliferation is now naked before the world. One could think of it as, "It's okay to come out of the closet, so long as I'm the one who gets to fuck you in the ass." Or more to the point, " . . . so long as I get to fuck myself in the ass."