Build Date: Tue Mar 5 13:50:08 2024 UTC

In another way, it's really cool. I don't know what that other way is, except it involves being really drunk.
-- Mr. Bad

Goose, Gander; Gander, Goose

by Reverend CyberSatan

2003-06-23 21:27:18

"Revisionist history" is the big buzz term at the White House lately. Condi Rice fished this one from the post-Vietnam defeat archives and re-applied it to anyone questioning the "intelligence" reports used to justify our lighting war on Iraq. The Bushmeister has also latched onto the term, using it to conveniently silence and/or dispose of anyone who grills him on pre-war Weapons of Mass Destruction evidence. The Bush team wields this weapon like a giant claymore sword, almost as much as they used "patriotism" to browbeat any Congressional resistance to homeland security initiatives or the mobilization to Iraq. It's a classic emerging Bush-ism, clearly used for "us-or-them" effect.

But the Bush team is hardly above a little revisionism themselves, as we've seen so many times. Like the Administration's reaction to al-Qaeda. When the outgoing Clinton team tried to emphasize the inherent danger of bin Laden's pet project, the Bushies arrogantly asserted that the rag-tag, Afghan-based band was hardly a danger all the way over here. Post-9/11, the Bush team made a determined effort to present a front that they had been on Osama's ass since day one and considered him priority number one even before Duhbya was elected. A similar turnabout happened on Iraq. Saddam got sparse mention during the campaign, and only marginal attention after the inauguration. Once again, after the towers fell, Hussein suddenly became Public Enemy Number Three, behind bin Laden and Mullah Omar. Yep'er, when revisionism serves their interests, Team Bush will whip it out in the blink of an eye.

Then there's the curious matter of global warming. The Kyoto embarrassment at the beginning of the term was bad enough, with the Bush leaguers suddenly deciding that two decades' worth of research was inconclusive as to the problem. Sticking to their guns, and campaign donors, the Administration has once again decided to revise history and science. As reported by the San Francisco Chronicle, the Bush team has expertly decided that the darned planet is once again warming up on its own and the billions of tons of fossil fuels we burn every year have nothing to do with that phenomenon. We can go on doing what we've been doing and-heck!-do more of it! Mother nature's going to do what she's going to do and who are we to tell her differently? This whole warming thing was her idea to begin with, so obviously our industrial production and internal combustion obsessions are completely harmless.

Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy that it's now okay to change anything you disagree with whenever you like. I think we should all follow the example of the Bush team and selectively apply revisionism to our everyday lives, especially when it's in our financial best interest. Take your credit card bills, for example. Obviously you're paying too much in interest since the prime rate is now 1.25%. You should revise that interest rate right now (because you're the one paying the money), down to something much more reasonable, like 2.5%. This way, your lenders make a 100% return on their money and you don't have to offer your first born child to get out of debt.

Your cable bill is another fine example of a place where some revisionism is due. Cable operators enjoy one of the most notorious monopolies in existence, and have for almost thirty years now. It's arguable that satellite television dishes offer decent competition, but if you're a cable subscriber, then you should take the companies at their advertising word. Obviously the dish is so unreliable as to be completely worthless, leaving you no choice but to get cable from the one and only provider in your area. Since you've been extorted for years into paying what the cable company demanded, by way of standard rates and those inexplicable fees that up your bill by another fifteen bucks every month, an accounting revision is way past due. The number of mergers and acquisitions in the last three years have made owning a cable company cheaper than ever. Former competitors wasted precious money upgrading systems, then got hobbled by the internet crash. That's hardly your fault. A 60% hack in your cable bill is generous to both you and the cable television mafia. They paid pennies on the dollar for your former provider, so it stands to reason that the savings should trickle down to you. Immediately.

As I've pointed out from time to time before, the president and his cabinet serve as vital role models for the citizenry. We learn from their mistakes and take inspiration from their victories. Time and time again, we've seen that rules are made to be broken when it's convenient and economically beneficial to do so. Never mind that you're rewriting your history or someone else's. Feel free to engage revisionism as you see fit. And if someone else is doing it to you, then, by all means, make sure the world understands what a damned dastardly evildoer they are and how they must be stopped by any means necessary, as soon as possible!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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