Main
Features
Columns
Categories
Authors
Archives
Search
Feedback
Contribute

Ready to put some Ho-Fucking-Ho in the new airline travel recommendations set out by our ever-friendly and uber-paranoid Transportation Security Administration?

You may have picked up on the vibes over the last week from the TSA, among which are the recommendations that you not lock your suitcases or carry wrapped Christmas presents to your family. This is all so that your privacy can be capriciously violated whenever a chocolate bar or jar of fresh marmalade gives some greenhorn screener the impression that you're packing a fresh load of Semtex or C-5.

The TSA is doing its best to reassure us that silk blouses, leather pants, fine lingerie, and any other reasonably desirable items will be left in their proper place by the minimum wage screeners who will inevitably paw our private goodies. Never mind theft. We know that will happen. How far are we willing to subvert our privacy in order to feel safe? What can be done to keep prying eyes and hands out of our check-ons?

I'm glad you asked.

Before our national paranoia barometer went off the scale, I had a prank in mind for airport security. This involved taking three or four of my similarly possessed fiendish friends with me through a checkpoint. We'd all be wearing baggy clothes and have lube, condoms, and dildos strapped to our legs and underarms. A steel bar taped to each of our groins would give security a reason to pull us aside and take us in for the mandatory strip-search. Once there, and having been appropriately disrobed, the security agent would discover our sex stash, at which point I planned on turning to them and flashing a perversely inviting grin.

Transferring the intent of this gag over to the new TSA recommendations, I'm hereby encouraging all of you to strike back with the full fury of your Constitutional rights. What will keep screeners from tearing through your luggage and stealing anything contained therein? Sex toys. Porn. A layer of seriously skid-marked or cum-stained undies draped across the top of your clothes. Rubber dog shit and fake vomit. A quart jar of Vaseline and a box of surgical gloves. Get the idea?

When packing sex toys and porn, set your field for "maximum." Remember, these aren't the intelligence-challenged security personnel of yore. They're FEDS! Impress them appropriately with the John Holmes life-cast dildo. Anal beads the size of tennis balls are also recommended. A butt plug smeared with peanut butter should do wonders, too. When traveling to the East Coast or Mid-West, toss in a dildo strap and spiked collar, along with back issues of "Submissive Suzanne" or "Mistress Bitch." Any porn you pack should be as tasteless and offensive as possible. Glossy covers of jizz-covered faces (especially the gay ones), anal intrusions by humongous dicks or fists, and any midget transvestite material are highly effective deterrents. Steer clear of things that could get you busted hard, like kiddie material, barnyard lovers, dead people, or toilet sex. I'd also avoid the soft stuff. "Hustler" isn't going to scare off anyone anymore.

Don't hide this stuff between layers of clothes, either. Put it right on top so it's the first thing a screener sees upon opening your suitcase or travel bag. Your personal effects should blare, "Hey, wanna have some twisted fun?" as soon as possible to protect the rest of your belongings and privacy. It's also an invitation to even more fun for you. Imagine getting stopped and questioned about your toys. Feel free to scream out in righteous indignation, "Goddamn it, if I want to fuck that cock four times a day while looking at pictures of wrinkled transsexuals, that's my business and not yours! I'm an American, you repressed bastard. And no, I will not take you home with me!" Even better, one of your items could turn up missing. Wouldn't it be fun to file a theft claim with the TSA over your missing bondage harness or "Debbie Does Dallas" collection?

So as you travel this holiday season, and on through the new year, don't forget your option to fuck with the people who are fucking with your liberties and freedoms without your consent. Send the unmistakable message that one good screwing deserves another. Granted, the puny minds at the TSA will probably miss the point. You should take the chance anyway. The TSA is already missing the point when it comes to personal property, respect for dignity, and the potential for panty-sniffing perversion.

furry@pigdog.org