Ready to put some Ho-Fucking-Ho in the new airline travel recommendations
set out by our ever-friendly and uber-paranoid Transportation Security
You may have picked up on the vibes over the last week from
the TSA, among which are the recommendations that you not lock your
suitcases or carry wrapped Christmas presents to your family. This is all
so that your privacy can be capriciously violated whenever a chocolate bar
or jar of fresh marmalade gives some greenhorn screener the impression that
you're packing a fresh load of Semtex or C-5.
The TSA is doing its best to reassure us that silk blouses, leather pants, fine lingerie, and any other reasonably desirable items will be left in their proper place by the minimum
wage screeners who will inevitably paw our private goodies. Never mind
theft. We know that will happen. How far are we willing to subvert our
privacy in order to feel safe? What can be done to keep prying eyes and
hands out of our check-ons?
I'm glad you asked.
Before our national paranoia barometer went off the scale, I had a prank in
mind for airport security. This involved taking three or four of my
similarly possessed fiendish friends with me through a checkpoint. We'd all
be wearing baggy clothes and have lube, condoms, and dildos strapped to our
legs and underarms. A steel bar taped to each of our groins would give
security a reason to pull us aside and take us in for the mandatory
strip-search. Once there, and having been appropriately disrobed, the
security agent would discover our sex stash, at which point I planned on
turning to them and flashing a perversely inviting grin.
Transferring the intent of this gag over to the new TSA recommendations,
I'm hereby encouraging all of you to strike back with the full fury of your
Constitutional rights. What will keep screeners from tearing through your
luggage and stealing anything contained therein? Sex toys. Porn. A layer
of seriously skid-marked or cum-stained undies draped across the top of your
clothes. Rubber dog shit and fake vomit. A quart jar of Vaseline and a box
of surgical gloves. Get the idea?
When packing sex toys and porn, set your field for "maximum." Remember,
these aren't the intelligence-challenged security personnel of yore.
They're FEDS! Impress them appropriately with the John Holmes life-cast
dildo. Anal beads the size of tennis balls are also recommended. A butt
plug smeared with peanut butter should do wonders, too. When traveling to
the East Coast or Mid-West, toss in a dildo strap and spiked collar, along
with back issues of "Submissive Suzanne" or "Mistress Bitch." Any porn you
pack should be as tasteless and offensive as possible. Glossy covers of
jizz-covered faces (especially the gay ones), anal intrusions by humongous
dicks or fists, and any midget transvestite material are highly effective
deterrents. Steer clear of things that could get you busted hard, like
kiddie material, barnyard lovers, dead people, or toilet sex. I'd also
avoid the soft stuff. "Hustler" isn't going to scare off anyone anymore.
Don't hide this stuff between layers of clothes, either. Put it right on
top so it's the first thing a screener sees upon opening your suitcase or
travel bag. Your personal effects should blare, "Hey, wanna have some
twisted fun?" as soon as possible to protect the rest of your belongings and
privacy. It's also an invitation to even more fun for you. Imagine getting
stopped and questioned about your toys. Feel free to scream out in
righteous indignation, "Goddamn it, if I want to fuck that cock four times a
day while looking at pictures of wrinkled transsexuals, that's my business
and not yours! I'm an American, you repressed bastard. And no, I will not
take you home with me!" Even better, one of your items could turn up
missing. Wouldn't it be fun to file a theft claim with the TSA over your
missing bondage harness or "Debbie Does Dallas" collection?
So as you travel this holiday season, and on through the new year, don't
forget your option to fuck with the people who are fucking with your
liberties and freedoms without your consent. Send the unmistakable message
that one good screwing deserves another. Granted, the puny minds at the TSA
will probably miss the point. You should take the chance anyway. The TSA
is already missing the point when it comes to personal property, respect for
dignity, and the potential for panty-sniffing perversion.