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Walk Among Us: The Blonde Clone Invasion Stops Here
2000-11-16 15:03:32


Cackles of the Mad Reverend
 
As your attorney... I advise you to get drunk. As a drunk... I advise to go for it.
-- Johnnie Royale

 

What's going on in your home town? The Good Reverend gives you the scoop.

It's not often that death warrants get issued in San Francisco. Historically speaking, there hasn't been enough animus here for such a thing to occur. Sure, there have been busted drug deals and the occasional Prozac-powered housewife revenge story, but it's usually pretty quiet. That's over now.

It struck me the other night as I was walking home from work. Another bubbly, bouncy, blue-eyed blonde with a bob cut appeared in front of me at the intersection crosswalk. Followed by another, and another and another. Clearly, something was amiss.

I'd noticed the change in my neighborhood over the last couple of years. The hair colors had turned from mousse, dark brunette and redhead to blonde, blonde, and blonde. There wasn't even any variation in the shades of blonde-just "average". The height on a few of them seemed a little large, but there's always a renegade mutanagenic factor loose in the gene pool anyway. By and large, they were all lower than 5'7" and right out of a catalogue.

"Catalogue". The answer was so simple that I'd overlooked it. Until now, I'd thought that the first wave of cloning was relegated to the herd desire to all shop at Ikea, The Gap, Old Navy, BCBG, Urban Outfitters, and Macy's. But that was all interior design and exterior fashion. The viral appearance of so many clearly identical blondes suggests something far worse, like a loophole in the genetic cloning protocols. After all, the American prohibition on cloning only applies to humans.

Since blondes permeate so many levels of non-human existence (e.g., lawyers, bankers, t.v. news anchors, etc.), it would have been fairly easy to get a DNA sample from just one of them and introduce a new series. If you had material from more than one, you would have enough supplemental DNA to correct any replication defects while preserving the core qualities. Introduce them in San Francisco first-that way if any of them break down and wipe an office in a confused identity rage, you could write it off to the inherent weirdness of the City. Since blondes are cheap to manufacture, the profit margin is enormous.

That's right, folks-catalogue blondes. Amgen/Genentech's little way of getting seed capital for future projects. Personally, I'm concerned about who's ordering these things. The surge in the dot-conomy has brought new, fresh, frat faces to the San Francisco scene, and they all need mates. Catalog blondes are the natural solution. However, the current housing situation makes for another powerful market force effecting demand for cheap blondes. They're kind of like a Chia Pets with incomes: minimal maintenance, cute attractive quality, and they share in the rent. You can see a couple of brunettes ordering one just to keep overhead down.

Now, about that death warrant. Or "warrants". Let's face it, folks, we can either stand an fight or be wiped out by the greatest alien menace since Eucalyptus trees were introduced to this coast. The time is nigh-before we all wind up in blonde clone ghettos-to form a Blade Runner squad and combat this menace the American way.

The job should be fairly easy. We're not talking about gunning down Zhora, or even Priss. Priss at least had the common survival sense to disguise herself and avoid detection. The current clone blondes are incapable of such diverse displays, nor are they nearly as nimble. They also lack that "kick murder squad" danger level of a Zhora. In fact, most of them would be hard-pressed to do more than 1) flash the headlight expression of a mowed-down desert bunny or 2) run in a straight line down the street, making them easy pickings.

Now, Before cutting you volunteers loose, I should point out a couple of things.

1) Pack appropriately. While clone blondes go down easily, you shouldn't take any chances. Carry at least a .40 semi (in case you are faced with a gaggle of them).

2) Verify your targets. Remember, we're after the clones, and not the real thing. A murder charge is considered poor form.

3) Check your backstops. High-powered handguns will not only penetrate the designer tarts, but will also perforate them. Be sure no person or substantially expensive thing is directly behind them when you shoot.

4) Dispose of Properly. Don't leave the body laying there-clean it up! Incineration recommended; feeding the husks to sharks could irreversibly damage the shark population. Genetically modified food is just bad, no matter your species.

5) Have fun. It's only work if you make it so.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

oarsman@pigdog.org


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