Build Date: Sun Oct 12 23:20:13 2025 UTC
There is nothing wrong with belt AND suspenders when it comes to security. Your position assumes that the belt is near perfect, and that you've got nothing worth looking at if your pants fall down anyway.
-- MasterSquid
Real Tourists Don't Wear Black
2005-04-14 18:37:18
Proving once again that one can never be too paranoid these days, Washington D.C. police succeeded in making a mountain from a molehill when they transformed a confused tourist into a "suicide bomber."
Wenhao Zhao, 33, allegedly aroused dire police suspicion for wearing all-black clothing and having two small, rolling suitcases with him while he stood outside the scenic west wing of Congress. Initial reports said that Zhao did not speak English very well, perhaps leading to the confusion over his request to see the president. However, later reports have Zhao speaking near-perfect Americano. Seems like the stubborn little Chink just didn't know his place when officers treated him like a terrorist.
Hmmmm. Let's analyze this scene, shall we? Since when did it become universally suspicious for people to wear all-black outfits? Obviously no one in pastels ever commits a crime. We all know that evildoers favor darker clothes for symbolism, right? Right.
If that's true then every single businesswoman wearing all-black and sulking in her office for more than five minutes should be arrested immediately. God only knows what she's carrying in her satchel, and those wires coming from her jacket and going into her ears are clearly some kind of detonator. Using the fine example of the police in Mr. Zhao's case, tourists should now be on notice that only bright colors are acceptable dress for anyone visiting the United States, and especially those passing through the monument-laden national capitol. Hipsters, beware: your style sense can now be used as an element of probable cause in your forcible detention.
Then there's the matter of the suitcases. Okay, I'll grant that not every sightseer takes their luggage with them. It does seem a little odd to have two rolling suitcases along for the ride. However, maybe the guy just got into town and stopped off at the Capitol Building before checking into his hotel. Or maybe he wanted a parting glance at the legendary American icon before flying back to Australia. Who knows? Last time I checked, it was not a crime to be walking around the United States with two small suitcases in tow. If it was, the aforementioned businesswoman in black, traveling to her next out-of-state business meeting could be tackled at any moment and dragged off to the police station for interrogation. This should also be a clear signal for backpackers everywhere. I mean, really -- you could pack a whole lot of explosives into an inner-frame backpack. And god only knows where those people are from.
Zhao as a suicide bomber? Please. Any asshole worth a shit knows that suicide bombers get in close to their targets and blow themselves up at the first opportune moment. Mr. Zhao was standing peacefully outside the capitol building for quite a while before the cops made such a grotesque overreaction. He made no aggressive moves or demands. Police are now characterizing his request to speak to the President Bush as a "demand." Really? Isn't it a lot more likely that the guy's broken English misplaced a couple of words, transforming a question about a White House tour into a threat on the president's life?
We're talking about cops here, and cops never fudge the truth to make themselves look like tolerant heroes. No, no-that never happens. The truth is that we will never know what Mr. Zhao really said. At the time the initial officer questioned him there were no television cameras or microphones around. It's all a matter of he-said, he-said, and no one is bothering to ask Mr. Zhao's perspective. In fact, now that it's clear he was not a suicide bomber, the story is being shuffled from view faster than Martha Stewart's prison photos.
Police are also making a big deal about Zhao's refusal to open his bags. Attention, people: this is still America. The last time I looked, the Constitution was still in effect. That Constitution, the very same one we sell to the rest of the world as the paragon of human rights, still has a Fourth Amendment. Part of that amendment is the right against unreasonable search and seizure. It virtually guarantees your right to say "no" to police officers when they demand to search your goods in the absence of a clear crime. The very fact that the police asked for the bags to be opened suggests that they knew Zhao was guilty of nothing more than standing around. So, what was found in the bags after the cops detonated them? Clothes, shoes, a CD player and the remains of a watch. The bags were scanned by the cops beforehand, and this is what they saw. Airline security officers would not have even stopped a bag like this. But when the SWAT tactical team has been summoned, a perimeter set up, and panic established, even the most innocuous articles suddenly take on a whole new threatening life.
Unfortunately for Mr. Zhao, the fact that he did nothing wrong is being rapidly buried under another hero cape by law enforcement spin doctors. He will probably be shipped back to Australia post-haste and the case against him (for the notorious terrorism charge of "disorderly conduct") dismissed. The D.C. police are not going to want this guy's story to get out. He's going to sound like what he was: a slightly confused tourist suddenly treated like Public Enemy Number One by overzealous, egotistical law enforcement agents all too eager to make heroes of themselves in the public eye. Meanwhile, the fearful, pre-programmed public will breathe a collective sigh of relief that the police were there to apprehend this apparently dangerous man. One more day in the land of the "free," where that word is increasingly viewed with four-letter vulgarity.
But don't take my word for it, check it out yourself (before it vanishes for good).
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Another Spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL: Home of The Deathwave Bar & Grill! (More...)
Australian Troops Set for Days of Debauchery to the Tunes of Kylie Minogue
This weekend Australian troops in East Timor will be able to put their feet up and push all the images of mass graves and charred remains from their minds as they relax to the giddy melodies of Kylie Minogue - including exclusive unplugged performances in the militia-ravaged and blood-spattered border towns of Balibo and Suai. (More...)
My experiment is a failure. Rockstar-and-Robitussin tastes like day-after-Halloween bile. I'm trying to choke down enough to discover the effects, but no matter what those are one thing is certain at the outset: what I have discovered is not a Beverage, but a pale green and angry iced abomination.
You were right: science is not for the weak of will nor stomach. (More...)