Bill Hicks is back from the grave, well rested, and he's going to eat Dennis Leary's thieving heart right in front of him. Well, not really. But he has been restored, and Leary will be quietly weeping when he realizes he's about to be exposed for the unoriginal parasitic vampire that he is.

When Bill Hicks departed this earth five years ago, he left behind precious little material to show the world why he rated alongside the likes of Lenny Bruce & Andy Kaufman. The most sought-after tape among "goat-children" (ardent fans of Bill Hicks) is the tape filmed at an Austin nightclub as a demo tape for HBO. Kevin Booth later released it, under the title of Sane Man.

Sane Man contains some of the best and funniest no-holds-barred social commentaries ever recorded, delivered with all the ferocity of a fight at a Hells Angels' rally. Unfortunately, both the sound and picture quality, quite frankly, sucked. The colors bled like a blind hemophiliac in a razor factory, and the audio sounded as if you were listening from the store room in the back during a drunken haze, requiring top shelf stereo equalizer equipment in order to make it audible. Even with all of these setbacks, Bill's sheer genius still shone through like a high beacon in a world of the blind and deceived.

In the past couple of weeks, the world has been blessed with a new and improved copy of Sane Man. The picture is far better than its predecessor, with a clarity that makes you feel as if you are sitting in the club watching him live and in person. And the audio - each an every syllable of the most holy sermon since Jesus spoke on the side of the mount- is crystal clear.

And in the years to come, people will wonder how this came about. What's the story behind it? Here's what we think may have happened….

Hicks' lifelong friend and collaborator, Kevin Booth, is responsible for the tape. It is rumored that shortly before Bill's demise, Kevin swore a blood oath he would make Bill a custom porno tape to his standards and requests. Unfortunately Bill died shortly before the casting began.

But the story doesn't end here.

Recently Booth was married to his longtime sweetheart in a storybook wedding. Sort of. What Kevin forgot to mention to his bride was that Bill had not moved on to claim his title on the other side. Recordings of his spectral emanation reveal that Hicks was pissed off at what he saw as being stiffed out of his ultimate porno tape. ("Booth! Godamn it, get down here you little pussy! Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I don't want the tape anymore! You owe me!")

But Kevin's wife is made of strong material. Her salt-of-the-earth family taught her well on how to deal with these kinds of out-of-the-ordinary situations. In short, she told him to get rid of Hicks' specter or he could forget about ever getting laid. Words cannot be written that will express how quickly Kevin acted.

Kevin confronted the phantom, which was busy trying to find the audition tapes that he believed Kevin had shot. The next three hours were spent convincing Bill's Phantasm that no tapes were shot. This only served to aggravate him further.

But the threat of being damned to a lifetime of no fucking will make the brain sharper and hyper logical. Kevin forged a new deal with Bill. The deal was simple: Kevin would fix the sound and picture on Sane Man, allowing his sermon to come through crisp and clear, which would in turn make the world a better place.

Kevin locked himself inside of his studio, chasing everyone away with a sharpened meat cleaver. He worked non-stop, cleaning and enhancing frame by frame, sound by sound. Weeks later, an exhausted and disheveled Kevin Booth emerged with this brand new master tape.

So there you have it. A wonderful and amazing tape that will open up your third eye and have you laughing at the absurd modern world we live in. If you are alive and breathing (and maybe even if you're dead), you must get this tape. Your soul will thank you later.

Get Sane Here

jared@pigdog.org