Build Date: Fri Jun 13 10:10:15 2025 UTC
I must have eaten some really stupid people's brains.
-- Downer Cow
My First Prostitute
1999-09-21 13:06:31
I can't even decide where to start there are so many bad things going on with this article... it's a first person story of one wussy vice cops first time entrapping big bad mean prostitutes. Woe is he...
First of all the ol' ball 'n chain is nagging him at home about all the "various acts of perversion that took place in luxury hotel suites filled with naked, nubile girls" (how does she know?). He brushes her aside with a pack of lies about how he's just busting under-age drinkers and little stuff like that.
Secondly the vice squad sends him to a dirty smelly hotel where he must talk to a "shriveled man in a stained shirt." Apparently he has no actual assignment except to bust somebody for something cause he heads to try and find some illegal gambling at the local taverns. Failing that he asked the bell boy to get him a prostitue... why doesn't the guy just hang a big sign around his neck that says "Please approach me with offers of illegal activities."
Finally he finds himself a 20 dollar hoe, who he describes as "a woman in her mid-40s with a figure showing a lifetime of many second helpings." Great, a fat $20 hoe.
Luckily the whole thing has a funny little ending as everyone goes home with a tummy full of warm fuzzys for a good job done. Except, of course, for the old fat hoe who probably spends the next week or so in a dank cell, has her children taken away and five of her ribs broken by her pimp when she gets out casue she doesn't have his $18 buck share of her trick. But, other than that, I mean, it's a real cute story...
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
About 14 years ago when I was on a road trip and stopped in Seattle, I was invited to a party. At this party there were these little tiny glasses sitting in a flat-bottomed bowl of ice. Thin cylinders about an inch in diameter and 4 inches tall, with thick glass at the bottom. Into these were poured frozen AKVAVIT... also known as the water of life. (More...)
Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission. (More...)
