Build Date: Thu Oct 16 18:10:11 2025 UTC
When we get to legitimate threats of physical violence... you'll know that we are starting phase two.
-- Johnnie Royale
Hijacker Just Wanted to Fly Plane
1999-07-24 11:12:39
This story has something for everyone! There's knife-wielding hijackers! There's terror at 20,000 feet! There's Pokemon! There's the influence of evil video games!! It's great!
So this crazy Japanese guy just loves flight simulator games, like, a lot. Like he likes them so bad he goes out and hijacks a Boeing 747! He stabs the pilot a whole bunch until he's dead and then he takes over the controls. Only I guess he wasn't always the high scorer on those flight simulators cause the plane goes into a dive and drops a thousand feet in like a minute. This is enough for the co-pilot and some other pilot-type who just happened to be on the flight to figure out something's not quite right. So they bust down the door and tackle the guy and tie him up with neckties.
But now the door to the cockpit is open and all the passangers, who just plunged 1,000 feet in a minute, can see this dead pilot guy all covered with blood and some crazy guy all tied up with neck ties screaming in Japanese about Wing Comander II and so they start freaking out. Luckily, the plane is stocked with mind-numbing trance-inducing Pokemon videos! The flight crew pops a few of those babies into the VCR-- or what ever they use to make plane movies go-- and Boom! order is restored. Well-- except of course for the dead guy and the crazy guy tied up with neckties, but that's about as close as you're gonna get to a happy ending these days...
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
The quest for knowledge never ends at the super top secret Spock Mountain Laboratory, although it is frequently interrupted by beverage breaks. Recently, a team of crack ethnomixologists returned from a dangerous expedition to the frozen expanse of Canada with the much sought recipe for a Spocktail that is destined to replace blunt force head trauma as the major cause of brain damage in the civilized world. (More...)
It was the night of the Leonid meteor showers -- the perfect opportunity to break out the evil opaline liquor, get madder than hatters, and test wireless ethernet hardware... Would the plunging meteorites interfere with the 2.4GHz band? What about our delicate brain waves? (More...)
Owner of 6 Medical Marijuana Dispensaries Arrested
Reefer madness or a government fabrication? (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Absinthia: The Pigdog Interview
Absinthe is making a come back for the Millennium. Even English people are slurping it down in pubs, eschewing their normal, healthy stouts and ales. And why not? Hell, if the planet is going to explode anyway, why not ride the DEATH WAVE in, and celebrate Y2K with the most entertaining and vicious elixir you can find? Come! Explore the "Absinthe Underground" with El Snatcher, Mr. Bad, and Splicer, as they interview the notorious absinthe bootlegger, Absinthia. (More...)
