Build Date: Sun May 19 06:30:04 2024 UTC
What is it with you Americans and your sodomy?
-- Evil Swiss Steve
Hijacker Just Wanted to Fly Plane
1999-07-24 11:12:39
This story has something for everyone! There's knife-wielding hijackers! There's terror at 20,000 feet! There's Pokemon! There's the influence of evil video games!! It's great!
So this crazy Japanese guy just loves flight simulator games, like, a lot. Like he likes them so bad he goes out and hijacks a Boeing 747! He stabs the pilot a whole bunch until he's dead and then he takes over the controls. Only I guess he wasn't always the high scorer on those flight simulators cause the plane goes into a dive and drops a thousand feet in like a minute. This is enough for the co-pilot and some other pilot-type who just happened to be on the flight to figure out something's not quite right. So they bust down the door and tackle the guy and tie him up with neckties.
But now the door to the cockpit is open and all the passangers, who just plunged 1,000 feet in a minute, can see this dead pilot guy all covered with blood and some crazy guy all tied up with neck ties screaming in Japanese about Wing Comander II and so they start freaking out. Luckily, the plane is stocked with mind-numbing trance-inducing Pokemon videos! The flight crew pops a few of those babies into the VCR-- or what ever they use to make plane movies go-- and Boom! order is restored. Well-- except of course for the dead guy and the crazy guy tied up with neckties, but that's about as close as you're gonna get to a happy ending these days...
T O P S T O R I E S
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
The quest for knowledge never ends at the super top secret Spock Mountain Laboratory, although it is frequently interrupted by beverage breaks. Recently, a team of crack ethnomixologists returned from a dangerous expedition to the frozen expanse of Canada with the much sought recipe for a Spocktail that is destined to replace blunt force head trauma as the major cause of brain damage in the civilized world. (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
What do Computers and Skateboards have in Common?
They both sprang from the mind of John Mauchly that's what. (More...)
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)
