Build Date: Tue Jun 2 01:50:06 2026 UTC
i may outwardly seem like an antiquated mushball, but actually i have superpowers that allow me to control heartstrings and electrical cicuitousness.
-- rotten elf
The Dangers of Underestimating Mexican Serial Killers
1999-06-28 21:56:48
With blatently racist overtones, Kentucky's fatbelly police are warning people not to take suspected serial killer Rafael Resendez-Ramirez for granted. "Just because he's Mexican don't mean he don't know nothin'," said Sgt. Mark Benard. "As shocking as it may seem, some Mexicans are pretty clever."
The meaty Sgt. describes Ramirez as "street smart," citing his history of tutoring individuals in algebra, geometry and English [yeah, you learn a lot of algebra in el barrio, we've heard]. One can only imagine that Ramirez is quite astute when it comes to the logarithms of the streets. He has been known to gang sign the quadratic equation to other members of the vagabond serial-killer world.
Authorities have also advised against anyone attempting any "heroic" acts due the mysterious nature of what they see as a rare phenomenon -- an educated, intelligent Mexican.
One would-be vigilante explained, "Wulp, we figured since he was just yer typical crazy, stupid mesican that we could just set up some tin cans, ya know, on a string and hang 'em alongside the railroad tracks all sneaky like. Then, when he jumped off the train all drunk like (coz dem wetbacks are alwayz drunk) he would get all tied up, make all sorts o racket and we would hear him from our shack right o'er yonder and have nuff time to git 'em wit da shotgun!
"I guess that ain't gonna work now since they's sayin' he real smart like. At least we got us sum good eats one night when a 'coon got all tangled up in der. Woo-hoo! was them sum GOOD eats!"
T O P S T O R I E S
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Still Up For the Party? America's Dance Floors Are Graying
Raving over 30 doesn't have to be embarassing anymore. (More...)
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
