Build Date: Thu Oct 16 18:10:18 2025 UTC
All great quotes should end with 'my ass'
-- Bubba Barnett
Free Paris!
2007-06-08 11:18:07
Yeah, so Paris got out of jail free, and I for one hope she stays out. Cause I got no time for the haters. I celebrate Paris Hilton.
Sure, she's dumb. Sure, she's spoiled. Sure, she's not very pretty. So what? There are any number of dumb, ugly, spoiled guys in the world and they don't get reviled the way Paris does. There's a big helping of misogyny and double-standard in the Paris-hatred that goes on in the media. But she's enjoying the hell out of her life, and she does not give a fuck.
There are many people in this world who claim they don't give a fuck, but closer examination will reveal that these people in fact give at least one, and usually multiple, fucks. Really, it's usually the people who talk the loudest about not-giving-a-fuck who are actually the most desperate for approval. Those people are sad. Paris, on the other hand, sails through her trashy, slutty, overprivileged life with absolute unshakable confidence, and she doesn't have an insecure, guilty, self-hating bone in her body. This drives people crazy. They just can't stand that there's one girl in this world who gets whatever she wants, who lives in perfect self-indulgence, and is never punished for it. They hate hate hate Paris with all the power of their mean little, drab little, hardscrabble little souls, but they cannot touch her, because she is Paris Hilton and she does not give a fuck.
Oh Paris, I wish you all the drugs, alcohol, trashy sex and flashy clothes your trampy little heart desires. I wish you parties with famous people and high heels and no panties and late nights and big tacky diamonds and bottomless wells of champagne and endless lines of cocaine. I hope you never need to learn any better. I hope nothing ever harms you. I honor your joie-de-vivre, your unbridled hedonism, your unshakable love of your inimitable self. The only lesson you need to draw from any of this is that you should call your chauffeur when you're fucked up. That, honey, is what chauffeurs are for.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
The quest for knowledge never ends at the super top secret Spock Mountain Laboratory, although it is frequently interrupted by beverage breaks. Recently, a team of crack ethnomixologists returned from a dangerous expedition to the frozen expanse of Canada with the much sought recipe for a Spocktail that is destined to replace blunt force head trauma as the major cause of brain damage in the civilized world. (More...)
It was the night of the Leonid meteor showers -- the perfect opportunity to break out the evil opaline liquor, get madder than hatters, and test wireless ethernet hardware... Would the plunging meteorites interfere with the 2.4GHz band? What about our delicate brain waves? (More...)
Owner of 6 Medical Marijuana Dispensaries Arrested
Reefer madness or a government fabrication? (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Absinthia: The Pigdog Interview
Absinthe is making a come back for the Millennium. Even English people are slurping it down in pubs, eschewing their normal, healthy stouts and ales. And why not? Hell, if the planet is going to explode anyway, why not ride the DEATH WAVE in, and celebrate Y2K with the most entertaining and vicious elixir you can find? Come! Explore the "Absinthe Underground" with El Snatcher, Mr. Bad, and Splicer, as they interview the notorious absinthe bootlegger, Absinthia. (More...)
