So, this dude robs a bank yesterday two blocks from my
office in broad daylight and walks out with some worth of loot.
There's choppers all over the place and more pork than a N.
Carolina barbeque. And guess what? They don't find him.
Today, I'm coming back from lunch, speeding down a side street with an expired
inspection sticker and I pass a cop. I see his brake lights come on and I
exclaim, "Shit! I just got a ticket." The cop pulls me over, I'm getting my
license and whatnot ready, making sure there's no obvious porn or guns or drugs
sticking out from under the seat of the Buick of Death. I look in my rearview
mirror and there's three cop cars and a phalanx of motorcycle cops and overhead
a chopper buzzes. All of them have their guns pointed at the Tanker's Orgasm.
At this point, I'm suspecting that they are not too concerned about 45 in a 30
and an expired inspection. I immediately put my hands out the window and they
advance and go through the whole "Get out of the fucking car you stinky bank
robber," routine. I get out and put my hands on the top of the Lead Sled of
Love, which is like laying your palms on an ungreased griddle (95 today!). The
lead porker comes up, grabs me, puts on the bracelets and drags me back to his
pork mobile.
I'm sitting in there remaining silent, as is my right, and they dig through my
car and my wallet and the trunk listening to them converse on the radio in
their Hellish Pig Speak about "suspect detained get the donuts ready".
I'm sitting in there remaining silent, as is my right, and they dig through my
car and my wallet and the trunk listening to them converse on the radio in
their Hellish Pig Speak about "suspect detained get the donuts ready".
And I laugh a little bit, 'cause I know that if I robbed a bank,
there's no fucking way in hell I'd still be within a four block radius of the
fucking BANK! Right! With an expired Inspection sticker and driving 45 in a
30??? Not Ragboy! He's a top notch bank robber, if, that is, he ever decided to
put his vast intellect to work on such an enterprise.
So I sit there for 45 minutes, enjoying KPIG live while they slowly
come to realize that I'm not their collar. Then the big lead porker sends a
squealer fresh from the academy to the car and he sits in the front seat and
turns around and tries to hand me my wallet and then realizing that I can't use
my hands at the moment, sets the wallet in my lap and with his nicest of young
cop faces he asks me, "Did you realize your inspection's up?"
With my most solemn face, I answer, "Yea, how long am I gonna get for
that? I can clue you guys in on at least a hundred, maybe hundreds of folks
around town that have neither inspection nor registration. I can really break
open the whole car tag CONSPIRACY!"
He nods, kinda looking away into the searing heat of Austin May and
says, "Well, just make sure you get it taken care of."
"Sure thing."
And they take the cuffs off and I get back in the Hell Ride and rattle
off down the road back to work. Fuck, the stupidest thing about this is that
not one single Austin news source has a story about the robbery on the net.
You'd think there would be since Austin banks have been robbed 15 times this
year (up from 11 all of last year). Anyway, take my word for it. [Or check the
police report below.]
