So, this dude robs a bank yesterday two blocks from my office in broad daylight and walks out with some worth of loot. There's choppers all over the place and more pork than a N. Carolina barbeque. And guess what? They don't find him.

Today, I'm coming back from lunch, speeding down a side street with an expired inspection sticker and I pass a cop. I see his brake lights come on and I exclaim, "Shit! I just got a ticket." The cop pulls me over, I'm getting my license and whatnot ready, making sure there's no obvious porn or guns or drugs sticking out from under the seat of the Buick of Death. I look in my rearview mirror and there's three cop cars and a phalanx of motorcycle cops and overhead a chopper buzzes. All of them have their guns pointed at the Tanker's Orgasm.

At this point, I'm suspecting that they are not too concerned about 45 in a 30 and an expired inspection. I immediately put my hands out the window and they advance and go through the whole "Get out of the fucking car you stinky bank robber," routine. I get out and put my hands on the top of the Lead Sled of Love, which is like laying your palms on an ungreased griddle (95 today!). The lead porker comes up, grabs me, puts on the bracelets and drags me back to his pork mobile.

I'm sitting in there remaining silent, as is my right, and they dig through my car and my wallet and the trunk listening to them converse on the radio in their Hellish Pig Speak about "suspect detained get the donuts ready".

I'm sitting in there remaining silent, as is my right, and they dig through my car and my wallet and the trunk listening to them converse on the radio in their Hellish Pig Speak about "suspect detained get the donuts ready".

And I laugh a little bit, 'cause I know that if I robbed a bank, there's no fucking way in hell I'd still be within a four block radius of the fucking BANK! Right! With an expired Inspection sticker and driving 45 in a 30??? Not Ragboy! He's a top notch bank robber, if, that is, he ever decided to put his vast intellect to work on such an enterprise.

So I sit there for 45 minutes, enjoying KPIG live while they slowly come to realize that I'm not their collar. Then the big lead porker sends a squealer fresh from the academy to the car and he sits in the front seat and turns around and tries to hand me my wallet and then realizing that I can't use my hands at the moment, sets the wallet in my lap and with his nicest of young cop faces he asks me, "Did you realize your inspection's up?"

With my most solemn face, I answer, "Yea, how long am I gonna get for that? I can clue you guys in on at least a hundred, maybe hundreds of folks around town that have neither inspection nor registration. I can really break open the whole car tag CONSPIRACY!"

He nods, kinda looking away into the searing heat of Austin May and says, "Well, just make sure you get it taken care of."

"Sure thing."

And they take the cuffs off and I get back in the Hell Ride and rattle off down the road back to work. Fuck, the stupidest thing about this is that not one single Austin news source has a story about the robbery on the net. You'd think there would be since Austin banks have been robbed 15 times this year (up from 11 all of last year). Anyway, take my word for it. [Or check the police report below.]

Check it out yourself

tablesalt@pigdog.org