Build Date: Wed Nov 29 06:00:14 2023 UTC
...she asked me point blank if I considered myself a Buddhist or a Christian. I said I was bisectual.
-- Splicer
John Rocker Gets a Standing Ovation
2000-03-15 09:37:39
This morning, before heading into work, I was watching Mornings on 2, a local TV news program. I was trying to get a traffic update before heading out onto the Bay Area's freeway system. While I'm watching, the TV talking heads report that John Rocker received a standing ovation when he returned to the pitching mound last night in Florida. What's more, NO ONE on the news team can figure out WHY.
In an interview with Sports Illustrated Magazine two months ago, Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker repeatedly made racist, homophobic, and xenophobic remarks. As a result, he's been reviled by the mainstream press and also received a 14 game suspension which will start at the beginning of the next season.
Back to Mornings on 2… After reporting that Rocker got a standing ovation, the "news team" starts speculating on just why it is that this happened. They speculate that the crowd is "anti-media" and they're showing their support for the underdog. They speculate that the crowd is applauding the public apology that Rocker made weeks after the original interview. They EVEN speculate that the crowd is full of free speech advocates, and they're showing their support for Rocker's first amendment rights.
I couldn't believe they could be so dense, so I got on-line and started checking other mainstream news sources. ALL OF THEM seem puzzled by the crowd's reaction. None seem to be able to figure it out.
ATTENTION OLD MEDIA: WAKE THE FUCK UP! THE CROWD IN THE BASEBALL PARK IN FLORIDA GAVE JOHN ROCKER A STANDING OVATION BECAUSE THEY AGREE WITH HIM! THE CROWD GAVE HIM A STANDING OVATION BECAUSE THEY'RE A BUNCH OF RACIST, HOMOPHOBIC, XENOPHOBIC FUCKHEADS! PULL YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES AND START REPORTING THE NEWS THAT'S GOING ON RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!
As hard as it is to admit, Intolerance is alive and well in the United States. Yesterday, in a baseball park in Florida, Intolerance received a standing ovation.
T O P S T O R I E S
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
Health and Human Services officials spend a year on pot
After a yearlong, comprehensive, thorough, complete investigation into the effects of marijuana usage, Health and Human Services (HHS) officials recommended that it be moved from Schedule I of the Controlled Substances Act to Schedule III, meaning that the HHS no longer considers cannabis to be a drug with high abuse potential and no medical value. (More...)
If you've ever wondered what actual bullshit looks like, just check the back side of Lee Meyers' decommissioned police cruiser. Lee chopped the top of the passenger side of the car off so he could take his full-grown Watusi bull, named Howdy Doody, for joy rides around his home town of Neligh, Nebraska. Since the car doesn't have bathroom facilities Howdy Doody just craps all over the back and side of the car whenever he feels the need to let one go. (More...)
Self-righteous assholes block highway to Burning Man
A group of self-righteous assholes converted exactly zero people to their cause by blocking the highway to Burning Man this week. The group, which used a flimsy trailer, some lengths of chain, and a few folding chairs to block the road, put up signs including "Burners of the World Unite," but none of the burners stopped in traffic wanted to unite with them for anything. (More...)
How much force does it take to pull out nose hair?
Have you ever pulled out a nose hair and felt like part of your brain came with it? Have your eyes watered from the extreme pain? Did you wonder how much force it took? Would you pull out 50 more hairs afterwards, using precise measuring instruments, to determine the answer IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE? (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Peppermill Is Not Good For You
Paradise lounge on the strip. Expense it, bad boy! (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)