Build Date: Thu Jul 24 01:31:22 2025 UTC
A rich person once sent me some porn, as a kind of thank you. Lemme tell you, rich people's porn is different from the porn the rest of us get.
-- Patient Joab
Incredibly Cool Simulated Animal Torture!
1999-08-03 07:43:09
You've got a flatbad scanner, you've got a cat. Once you run out of old porno magazines to scan in, what are you going to do? That's right. The cat.
At first glance, this site looks like some kind of insanely inhumane kind of deal with pictures of cats all contorted and mewling and miserable, but then you realize the Cat Scan Contest is just that: cats on flatbeds scanners! Nobody gets hurt, everybody goes home happy and the cats just lose a little bit of dignity. You gotta love technology.
So here's the deal: this guy has this site where you can (or could; the "first" cat scan contest is finished, check the site for details on when the second will begin) send in photos of your cat squashed against the scanner glass. It's a really simple but hilarious idea; all the cats look really angry and sort of sad that they're squashed up against the glass of a flatbed scanner. It's a really good way to get back at cats for their haughty attitudes, I think. There are millions of entries to look through, and the winner got a bunch of junk like some software and whatnot.
Almost as funny as the actual pictures of the flat cats, though, is the explanation of how the entries will be judged, including "Style: does the cat's squashed hair make an interesting pattern?" and "Form: does the cat's squashed body look like a pear, or a pile of dough?" There are also some hints for making good squashed cat scans, like this one: "KEEP THE FUCKING LIGHT OUT OF THE CAT'S EYES."
You know the drill. Scanner. Cat. Go.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
Canadians Not So Different After All
Nobody wants to be prejudiced. But sometimes you can be biased and not even realize it. I think many Americans are biased in this way against Canadians. I never really stopped to think about it, but I myself used to be this way. I guess I thought that Canadians were "stuck-up" — you know, smarter and better cultured than us. But then I got educated about Canadia. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
This was an old standby back in my poor college days. Back then the goal was to get butt fucking wasted for as little money as possible. The problem was we hated dirt cheap beer - and some weekends, even Henry's was far more lucre then we could scratch together. So we invented Red. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)