Build Date: Thu Jul 24 01:31:22 2025 UTC
A rich person once sent me some porn, as a kind of thank you. Lemme tell you, rich people's porn is different from the porn the rest of us get.
-- Patient Joab
Incredibly Cool Simulated Animal Torture!
1999-08-03 07:43:09
You've got a flatbad scanner, you've got a cat. Once you run out of old porno magazines to scan in, what are you going to do? That's right. The cat.
At first glance, this site looks like some kind of insanely inhumane kind of deal with pictures of cats all contorted and mewling and miserable, but then you realize the Cat Scan Contest is just that: cats on flatbeds scanners! Nobody gets hurt, everybody goes home happy and the cats just lose a little bit of dignity. You gotta love technology.
So here's the deal: this guy has this site where you can (or could; the "first" cat scan contest is finished, check the site for details on when the second will begin) send in photos of your cat squashed against the scanner glass. It's a really simple but hilarious idea; all the cats look really angry and sort of sad that they're squashed up against the glass of a flatbed scanner. It's a really good way to get back at cats for their haughty attitudes, I think. There are millions of entries to look through, and the winner got a bunch of junk like some software and whatnot.
Almost as funny as the actual pictures of the flat cats, though, is the explanation of how the entries will be judged, including "Style: does the cat's squashed hair make an interesting pattern?" and "Form: does the cat's squashed body look like a pear, or a pile of dough?" There are also some hints for making good squashed cat scans, like this one: "KEEP THE FUCKING LIGHT OUT OF THE CAT'S EYES."
You know the drill. Scanner. Cat. Go.
T O P S T O R I E S
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Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
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Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
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Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
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Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
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The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
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Canadians Not So Different After All
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An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
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The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
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It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
