Build Date: Tue Jan 21 12:40:16 2025 UTC
As far as I can tell, my salary is for useful programming, and the options are for total lines of code. Which given the current stock price, seems fair and just for everyone.
-- Joe
Rock Me Dr. Zaius
1999-05-26 01:30:13
Remember in the first "Planet of the Apes" movie (the one with Charlton Heston and co-starring a large chunk of the Statue of Liberty) how different types of super-evolved apes represented different types of Ape Planet social stratum?
For instance, there were the gorillas, I think (it's been a long time since I've seen this classic), and they were the enforcer apes and beat people up, and then there were the chimps (like Roddy McDowell) who were just the average ape citizens, just as average as an huge super-evolved ape can be. Finally there were the scientist and philosopher apes. They were orangutans. In real life, oragnutans are disgusting and scratch their butts a whole lot. But in Planet of the Apes, the orangutans were represented by the wise Dr. Zaius, who knew all sorts of stuff, like how to add to a jillion without using a calculator.
Anyway, Dr. Zaius now has his own website! You can ask him lots of questions about orangutan stuff, for instance, like why do you guys always scratch your butts? Or, how can you guys pronounce phonemes when your lips are rock hard and completely non-pliable? Or you can just read Dr. Zaius' observations about the strange human world he now calls home, like this one:
"Being a sentient, bipedal ape, I recently had the 'opportunity' to visit the state of Texas. I've been told that in Texas, everything is 25% larger, and this has proven to be the case. Even I was 25% larger, which made it hard to judge actual sizes. Luckily, I brought a 'Ruler of Space-time +12' along, which is immune to the 'Texas Effect.'"
Anyway, something tells me (perhaps it's the boilerplate) that this whole deal is less the product of super-advanced ape intelligence than it is Ben Sinclair (who "creates web sites like this, in an effort to create web sites,") but you should take a look anyway.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It was Friday night at the Casa de Baron and everything was in place -- a group of friends had assembled, people were setting things on fire in the backyard, and a Ferry Corsten double-live CD was playing on the stereo. Everything was in place to make further scientific advances in beverage research and leisure technology. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
This is one for the Ages. Our new signature SMRL drink. We beta tested this several weeks ago at the Goat Brothers B-Day Party. Oh my! (More...)
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
