Build Date: Wed May 21 15:50:22 2025 UTC
I see a REAL BAD HANGOVER in your IMMEDIATE FUTURE.
-- Head Freezin' Gene
Rock Me Dr. Zaius
1999-05-26 01:30:13
Remember in the first "Planet of the Apes" movie (the one with Charlton Heston and co-starring a large chunk of the Statue of Liberty) how different types of super-evolved apes represented different types of Ape Planet social stratum?
For instance, there were the gorillas, I think (it's been a long time since I've seen this classic), and they were the enforcer apes and beat people up, and then there were the chimps (like Roddy McDowell) who were just the average ape citizens, just as average as an huge super-evolved ape can be. Finally there were the scientist and philosopher apes. They were orangutans. In real life, oragnutans are disgusting and scratch their butts a whole lot. But in Planet of the Apes, the orangutans were represented by the wise Dr. Zaius, who knew all sorts of stuff, like how to add to a jillion without using a calculator.
Anyway, Dr. Zaius now has his own website! You can ask him lots of questions about orangutan stuff, for instance, like why do you guys always scratch your butts? Or, how can you guys pronounce phonemes when your lips are rock hard and completely non-pliable? Or you can just read Dr. Zaius' observations about the strange human world he now calls home, like this one:
"Being a sentient, bipedal ape, I recently had the 'opportunity' to visit the state of Texas. I've been told that in Texas, everything is 25% larger, and this has proven to be the case. Even I was 25% larger, which made it hard to judge actual sizes. Luckily, I brought a 'Ruler of Space-time +12' along, which is immune to the 'Texas Effect.'"
Anyway, something tells me (perhaps it's the boilerplate) that this whole deal is less the product of super-advanced ape intelligence than it is Ben Sinclair (who "creates web sites like this, in an effort to create web sites,") but you should take a look anyway.
T O P S T O R I E S
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Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
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Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
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The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
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During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
A Treatise Prepared for the Gallup Organization on the Symbolism of the Scarab
Well dahlings, the response to my new tarot column has been quite overwhelming. I got three whole pieces of mail requesting my arcane insight. One asked why blogs suck so much, and one was a completely incomprehensible tale of bears shitting random numbers in the woods — I am fairly certain it was a cryptographic allegory. Howsomever, only ONE of the inquiries was accompanied by a crisp ten-dollar bill, and so it's the Gallup Organization that will this week reap the benefit of my wicked pack of cards. (More...)
