Use Your Home Computer to Hunt, Kill Ay-leens
1999-05-14 10:59:45
The SETI@Home project is finally up and running. You, too, can help LOCATE aliens across the galaxy. Scientists will use this information to destroy their nests with pinpoint accuracy! "I want to kill bugs, sir!"
SETI@Home is Carl Sagan's dream come true. Mr. Sagan, notable for his unending hatred of aliens and the horrible things they do to human asses, vowed to discover the dens of these intergalactic sodomists and bomb them back to the Stone Age! He died before his dream could come true, but now YOU can help kill some Grays.
See, SETI@Home works a lot like Distributed.net's RC-5 cracking software. Millions of hours of radio telescope data are passed out in packets to all the computers in the world that are running the SETI@Home software. (ASIDE: The software's available for Win32 and Macs -- I gotta say, where's the Linux, fellas? How can you do a CRAZY ASS PROJECT without some Linux software to go with it?)
Anyways, those computers search through the data looking for signs of intelligent signals (vs. random noise). The odds are pretty small that any one computer will find anything this way, BUT! the combination of thousands of computers crunching data makes it possible to process the information much faster than a NASA supercomputer can do.
This is the info they have on their Web site. What they DON'T say is that once we locate the signal, NASA will launch a huge RADIOACTIVE METEORITE in the direction of the signal to DESTROY THEIR EVIL CIVILIZATION before they can PUT STUFF IN OUR ASSES AGAIN.
So check it out. Download this software and help humanity by WIPING OUT AY- LEENS. Wee-haw!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
For all you Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAG) out there who complain about not getting laid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: Women only like to have sex with jerks. (More...)
Still Up For the Party? America's Dance Floors Are Graying
Raving over 30 doesn't have to be embarassing anymore. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)