Build Date: Wed Apr 2 01:40:16 2025 UTC
I have seen the violence inherent in the system, and it's ME.
-- Negative Nancy
Use Your Home Computer to Hunt, Kill Ay-leens
1999-05-14 10:59:45
The SETI@Home project is finally up and running. You, too, can help LOCATE aliens across the galaxy. Scientists will use this information to destroy their nests with pinpoint accuracy! "I want to kill bugs, sir!"
SETI@Home is Carl Sagan's dream come true. Mr. Sagan, notable for his unending hatred of aliens and the horrible things they do to human asses, vowed to discover the dens of these intergalactic sodomists and bomb them back to the Stone Age! He died before his dream could come true, but now YOU can help kill some Grays.
See, SETI@Home works a lot like Distributed.net's RC-5 cracking software. Millions of hours of radio telescope data are passed out in packets to all the computers in the world that are running the SETI@Home software. (ASIDE: The software's available for Win32 and Macs -- I gotta say, where's the Linux, fellas? How can you do a CRAZY ASS PROJECT without some Linux software to go with it?)
Anyways, those computers search through the data looking for signs of intelligent signals (vs. random noise). The odds are pretty small that any one computer will find anything this way, BUT! the combination of thousands of computers crunching data makes it possible to process the information much faster than a NASA supercomputer can do.
This is the info they have on their Web site. What they DON'T say is that once we locate the signal, NASA will launch a huge RADIOACTIVE METEORITE in the direction of the signal to DESTROY THEIR EVIL CIVILIZATION before they can PUT STUFF IN OUR ASSES AGAIN.
So check it out. Download this software and help humanity by WIPING OUT AY- LEENS. Wee-haw!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
The Peppermill Is Not Good For You
Paradise lounge on the strip. Expense it, bad boy! (More...)
The quest for knowledge never ends at the super top secret Spock Mountain Laboratory, although it is frequently interrupted by beverage breaks. Recently, a team of crack ethnomixologists returned from a dangerous expedition to the frozen expanse of Canada with the much sought recipe for a Spocktail that is destined to replace blunt force head trauma as the major cause of brain damage in the civilized world. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
