Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts.

By now, everyone in the United States knows that Alex Jones is a syphilitic, drunken, psychic vampire who feeds off of the suffering of others, with an army of gas-huffing, chemically imbalanced minions, treating every lie he says as biblical prophecy straight from god himself.

And also, by now, the word has circulated of Jones losing nearly everything to The Onion, whom Alex Jones accused of being in league with the satan-worshiping lizard-men from the Bohemian Grove, after no far-right saviors stepped forward to pull his ass out of the bonfire he had built.

So, what's in the future for Alex Jones? Will he fade into obscurity? Will he call for a mass-suicide? Will he be found behind a Whataburger dumpster, quietly sobbing as he drinks Old Crow whiskey and soils himself? For the answer, we must go all the way back to his last days living in Rockwall, Texas.

If you were to believe Alex, you'd think his Rockwall high school days were ones where he was a popular football star, loved and admired for his prowess on the gridiron, his ability to sexually satisfy the girls that he dated, and the straight A's he got, and the only reason he left Rockwall was because during a high school assembly, he accused the local cops of being corrupt and dealing cocaine and ecstasy at a pool party. According to Jones, said cops beat him in front of a frightened school body, forcing his entire family to flee overnight to Austin.

The truth, however, is a lot more believable.

Since his early days in Rockwall Texas, Alexander Emerick Jones has been a compulsive liar; an unlikable, unloveable, narcissistic-sociopathic bully who liked to sucker-punch people for his own amusement. So despised in high school was he, that his classmates took a lesson from the citizens of Skidmore Missouri, who dispatched one Ken McElroy to hell, by inviting a very stupid and gullible Jones to a fake party at a very remote barn, where he was beaten nearly to death, with a guarantee there would be more mass assaults if he didn't change.

Now, most people, after receiving such a monsterous and humiliating beatdown, would change their ways, especially after having to crawl home through a field filled with cow feces and explain to his parents why he was beaten, and covered in blood and cow shit. Not Alex Jones. Instead, he doubled down, claiming he was the victim of the corrupt local police, who were actually members of a baby-eating, demon-worshipping cult. It's impossible to know what drugs or manipulations he used to convinced them of these claims, but they did what any sensible parents would do: they moved.

This was the beginning of a modus operandi that he would use for the rest of his life. One of the most enjoyable, and coincidently very best examples of Alex Jones' antics, was the day he took the stand during the Sandy Hook defamation trial. You can see this either on youtube or the HBO documentary, "The Truth vs. Alex Jones". Through these visual mediums, you will bear witness to him lie, be contemptuous with the court, the opposing lawyers, and his victims. And while it's understandable to think that Jones shit his pants after being cornered with evidence, logic and facts. Instead, you'll witness pure rage, backing up and ready to blow, not unlike Mount St. Helens did in 1980.

Ultimately, Jones lost with a judgment in the millions. Jones, like any good comic book villain screamed "I'll get you next time!", tossed a couple of smoke bombs, and exited the courtroom, chugging down a bottle of Fireball whiskey. Immediately after arriving at his secret underground bunker, located in Terlingua Texas, and declaring double secret bankruptcy, he moved his funds into offshore accounts, transferred his assets titles and property ownerships to his parents and current wife, and had his lawyers file a tornado of any and all manner of motions and injunctions in a futile attempt to hide his wealth, portraying him as a poor, misunderstood performance artist.

Now we have arrived at more current times. For the past few months, Alex was seen in and around New York and Los Angeles, courting favors from the rich and influential, who could potentially save him. So confident was he that he would come out on top, more powerful than ever, that he was seen in and around Austin, dressed in a overly-blinged-out, exaggerated pimp outfit, randomly punching people in the back of the head while telling them, "You're my bitch now."

Jones was reliving his self-perceived glory days, and this time, there wouldn't be any blood or feces involved.

However, there was to be a legal beating and pain.

On November 14, 2024, in a move that no one saw coming, The Onion bought out Infowars, lock, stock and barrel. Upon hearing the news, Jones ripped away his cheap costume, began yelling about "woke bohemian operatives" ruining his life. Later that evening crying crocodile tears in an act worthy of being in an Ed Wood movie. It should be pointed out that he still owes hundreds of millions of dollars to his victims, and there are no millionaires or billionaires waiting in the shadows to be his savior.

And now, the $10,000 question: What does the future hold for Jones? In two words: "not much."

While not a hydra, this is just one of many heads that he constructed. His lies will continue, and his minions will continue to buy his quack "supplements" and other overpriced items. As these outlets pop up, they will be seized and sold off, slowly chipping away at his empire of lies and deception. Finally, a day will arrive, when he will flee the United States to Mexico, where brand new, state-of-the-art facilities await his arrival, quite out of reach of any local, state, or federal authorities, as well as any future lawsuits, judgments, or retribution from The illuminati snake people of the bohemian club.

Because he will not be bound to the rules and regulations of the FCC (the boundaries and chains of logic were cast aside in the mid-nineties), the thinly-veiled, dog-whistle subjects/rants will ramp up. He'll continue to sell his supplements, but with a twist: a deal will be struck with a local cartel to provide him protection, as well as adding just enough opiates to the ingestible products to cause addiction, but not enough for a euphoric, numbing state, with a 50/50 split on all net profits.

And AM radio? They'll still broadcast his incendiary show for a while, but as they rack up various fines and audience feedback, these stations will drop him, one by one. Because, while Jones won't be subject to American laws, they are.

Ultimately, his show will not be his downfall. Nothing he says will destroy him. Instead, he will be found in the Chihuahuan Desert, a victim of misadventure involving Ayahuasca and homemade tequila, or someone within his circle stops taking their meds and becomes violent, and scatters his remains over the Gulf of Mexico.

So while this latest blow to his money-making machine won't eliminate him from the public eye for good, it's a damn entertaining start.

Check it out yourself

quintuplet@pigdog.org