Build Date: Fri Apr 18 20:20:17 2025 UTC
Extropians don't have souls, so no moonbase for you.
-- Johnnie Royale
News FLASH!!! Demos Assured of a White House Victory
2000-11-09 14:34:18
Democrats have secret weapon in race for President.
As I'm sure you are all aware of, there has not been a definitive outcome in last Tuesday election for the office of the President of the United States. It seems that due to the some obscure parts of the Constitution and etc. etc. etc. and yadda yadda yadda (like we need to talk about how the Electoral College works again) the most powerful position on the planet is being decided by Cuba exiles and Jewish retirees in southern Florida right now.
Or is it?
The crack reporting staff here at the Pigdog Journal has been talking with unnamed sources inside the National Democratic Committee and it seems that the Democrats have an ace up stuffed down their pants due to some precipitous and long range planning.
As long as Gore takes Oregon, the sources said, they got the election in the bag. Because with Oregon going to Gore and Florida to Bush, the Electoral College would be 267 to 271. However, the sources say, they planted moles deep inside the Republican Party long ago. These sources assure us here at the PDJ that at least 3 of these moles will be selected by the Republicans as delegates at the Electoral College. With these 3 swing votes, moving from the Bush column to the Gore column, the Electoral College vote count would reverse and Bush would get 268 and Gore would have 270 and would become the next President of the United States.
These moles are apparently hippies that went underground 35 years ago, forced to trade their Levis and VW-Buses for Armani suits and Lexus'. These radicals have been living in the suburbs, forced to raise their kids in elite public schools and attend morning Republican funding raising pray breakfasts all these years will finally have their revenge. Fuckin' A, who'd a thunk that the fate of the nation is controlled by a small group of ex-hippies.
More information as this story develops.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
