News FLASH!!! Demos Assured of a White House Victory

by JRoyale

2000-11-09 14:34:18

Power Corrupts

Democrats have secret weapon in race for President.

As I'm sure you are all aware of, there has not been a definitive outcome in last Tuesday election for the office of the President of the United States. It seems that due to the some obscure parts of the Constitution and etc. etc. etc. and yadda yadda yadda (like we need to talk about how the Electoral College works again) the most powerful position on the planet is being decided by Cuba exiles and Jewish retirees in southern Florida right now.

Or is it?

The crack reporting staff here at the Pigdog Journal has been talking with unnamed sources inside the National Democratic Committee and it seems that the Democrats have an ace up stuffed down their pants due to some precipitous and long range planning.

As long as Gore takes Oregon, the sources said, they got the election in the bag. Because with Oregon going to Gore and Florida to Bush, the Electoral College would be 267 to 271. However, the sources say, they planted moles deep inside the Republican Party long ago. These sources assure us here at the PDJ that at least 3 of these moles will be selected by the Republicans as delegates at the Electoral College. With these 3 swing votes, moving from the Bush column to the Gore column, the Electoral College vote count would reverse and Bush would get 268 and Gore would have 270 and would become the next President of the United States.

These moles are apparently hippies that went underground 35 years ago, forced to trade their Levis and VW-Buses for Armani suits and Lexus'. These radicals have been living in the suburbs, forced to raise their kids in elite public schools and attend morning Republican funding raising pray breakfasts all these years will finally have their revenge. Fuckin' A, who'd a thunk that the fate of the nation is controlled by a small group of ex-hippies.

More information as this story develops.

kabdriver@pigdog.org