Build Date: Thu Jan 15 12:30:12 2026 UTC
God bless the drunks and the children, and the United States of America.
-- Mark Twain
Federal Judge Bitchslaps USAG John Ashcroft
2002-04-18 09:59:52
US Attorney General John Ashcroft quest to cripple Oregon's Right to Die Law suffered a serious set back yesterday as a Federal Judge ruled that John Ashcroft and the United States government had no legal reason to prevent doctors in Oregon from distributing drugs that allow terminally ill patients to end their lives.
The USAG, a well known Jesus freak that holds pray meeting in his office everyday that all staff are "invited" (invited as in either get into that office and get down on your knees and pray to Jesus or find a new job invited) to attend, intensely dislikes any laws which conflict with his ultra conservative religious beliefs. Thus little things like the 10th Amendment are ignored in order to make sure that this is a "God Fearing Country" and that we follow "God's Law". Trouble is, John Ashcroft's god is a big fucking loser that seems to enjoy making people miserable. In fact, one could easily argue that John's Personal Savior acts more like Satan then Satan. Certainly, John has a 1st Amendment right to believe in whatever he wants, but his god isn't any sort of thing that I either respect or admire.
So fuck him and his evil, fire and brimstone deity. I ain't afraid of his god and I ain't afraid of John Ashcroft... although I probably should be as Ashcroft is one scary motherfucker with way TOO MUCH power and one evil interpretation of the bible. Fortunately, I have more angst then sense these days and don't mind letting Ashcroft know what a total jackass and horrible USAG he is. I think if John could put all non-believers in prison, he would. Or burn them at the stake. He would have made one hell of a member of the Spanish Inquisition. He would have also made one hell of a village idiot.
See, John, if someone wishes to die, that is his or her decision, not yours. You and your god might not like it, but just too damn bad.
And if Jesus does exist, John, I'm pretty sure he isn't all the thrilled with you concerning a number of actions you taken in his name. Face it, Jesus was the original hippy freak. When the last time you hugged a peace loving, hippy freak, flower child, John? Thought so. And Jesus wouldn't want people to suffer unnecessarily, John, because no peace loving, hippy freak, flower child likes to see people suffer. But your hating heart just doesn't see it that way and I have some bad news for you. When it comes time for you to face that Big Accountant in the Sky for your final audit, you've got an awful lot of ticks in the debit column, John Boy.
But you know John, there is still time to save yourself. You don't have to be a puckered up asshole for the rest of your life, bent on inflicting your ridiculous beliefs on every Tom, Dick and Susan you can. Take off the suit and tie, find a good tie-dyed t-shirt, some holey Levis, some good drugs (I suggest a cocktail composed of Percocet, Liquor and Trucker Speed - write me for a good recipe), some Rock and Roll CD's and watch 200 hours of Internet porn with some cute peace loving hippy chick. Then, after you've melted your brain and cleansed your soul, you can now start being a good USAG and do things like ending the Evil War of Drugs and stopping your vicious assault on the Constitution and our civil liberties. You can also try and get other states to follow Oregon's lead and help those in mortal pain find a way to die with dignity. And you know you should do it, John, because that is what Jesus would do.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
What do Computers and Skateboards have in Common?
They both sprang from the mind of John Mauchly that's what. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
