Build Date: Thu Oct 9 04:50:18 2025 UTC
The 9/16 wrench: simple in form, near universal in function, and missingfrom every goddamn toolbox I've ever owned, borrowed or stolen.
-- gomonk
Marked for Deletion
2000-11-08 19:44:24
From the mixed up files of citizen 566-77-0776
[Author's Note: When I found out Social Security had issued me the same social security number as another woman with the same name, birth date and father's name, I figured it wouldn't be a cakewalk getting myself digitally separated from this numeric soul twin. But for as easy it is to screw something so critical up, you'd think Social Security would be bending over backwards to try to help me get a number of my own. Not like this institution is going to be providing much in the way padding in my later years, but the idea of fighting over crumbs upon retirement with The Other did not ring pleasant upon my ears. Constantly facing loan and credit card rejections for The Other's bad credit history was no carnival either. The process of becoming a unique and separate entity with a clean credit and employment history of my own may not leave you on the edge of your seat. However, I hope it shocks you, upsets you and inspires you to name your child something ridiculous enough not to be imitated. ]
Dateline, Nov. 1, 1970
Five days were up. We were still stuck in the hospital, mom and I. Still, no name. Thinking...thinking... Heather? Amber? Not swinging enough, too freaky. How about something more pop, something eaassy on the ears, something nobody will make fun of. Something you can reduce, alter, adjust according to mood, social standing and fashion of the day.
"Got it. !#IY$I#O !Q)(%). Bingo."
"Got it. !#IY$I#O !Q)(%).
Bingo."
The echoes rang down the hall into the next delivery room.
Signed, stamped and swaddled, I left the hospital, unknown to my parents that replication had occurred. Two identical names, birth dates and like father's names were cranked into U.S. department of Social Security's data storehouses. Whether manually chosen or churned out by a hand cranked machine, out came one number for Baby x and Baby y. One number. Two entities. There we were bound by numbers as we set off into a history of taxable income, car purchases, mortgages and student loans, creating a matrix of interwoven identities.
My digital Siamese Twin was not to be fully revealed for three whole decades.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
One of our star reporters was sent to Comdex by his employer. El Destino reports live from the biggest, geekiest trade show in the world. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
For all you Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAG) out there who complain about not getting laid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: Women only like to have sex with jerks. (More...)
