All three of Florida Governor Jeb Bush's children, Noelle, Jeb Junior, and George P.
Bush, have appeared in Florida police reports.
We all know about Noelle Bush, who called a Tallahassee Walgreen's Tuesday pretending to
be doctor "Noelle SCIDMORE." The 24-year-old was eventually led off
in handcuffs for attempting to illegally purchase a controlled substance.
But if you prefer sex scandals instead of drug scandals, you'll be rooting for her
brother Jeb Bush Jr. A little over a year ago two security officers at the Tallahassee
Mall found him parked in a blue Jeep Cherokee with an underaged female. Both Jeb and the
teenaged girl were naked from the waist down -- and according to the police report, the two were
apparently caught in the act of making sweet monkey love.
A historical footnote. The sexual position Jeb had chosen for his illicit love-making
session was "The Black Bee." A kama sutra web site offers this vivid description of the
"Offering her your belly like the wolf, you surrender. She mounts you,
she is going to tame you. No use trying to resist. Her arrogant breasts, her flat belly,
her strong and muscled thighs, her greedy mouth are so many weapons...."
Sexual frustration appears to be a factor in another police report filed
on the brother of Noelle and Jeb Junior. George P. Bush broke into the bedroom window of
a former girlfriend, and though he eventually fled the scene, he later returned to drive
his Ford Explorer across the family's lawn.
If you want to get all serious about the recent arrest of Noelle, you can make a
political issue out of the way daddy Jeb Bush let Florida cut funding for
drug treatment programs for prisoners and probationers. You can accuse mother Columba
Bush of knee-jerk hypocrisy for lecturing the press -- less than three months ago -- that it
is the duty of parents and adults to teach youths to avoid drugs. And most of all, you
can criticize the Florida governor for advocating simplistic solutions to complex issues.
I mean, at a recent photo-op the governor was heard gloating while boats seized in a cocaine shipment were sunk. "Is
there going to be an explosion? Címon, how about a big one...? Whoooa...! You see the
fire come out of that stack...? Thatís cool!"
But why not enjoy it for what it is? The Bush family scandals give comfort to every
Pigdog-loving proponent of sex, drugs, and malicious acts of petty violence. On the one
hand they're just the embarrassing antics of out-of-control rich kids. But on the other
hand they give the lie to conservatives' self-annointed moral superiority. Pigdog Journal
has already initiated ongoing coverage for the drunken antics of cousins Jenna and Barbara.
And now the American electorate can play along at home. Bring up the family photo from daddy Jeb Bush's
official web site, and then try to tick off the crime spree each Bush offspring is
accused of committing. Don't forget -- Noelle has also gotten seven speeding tickets, committed five other traffic violations, and been involved in three car accidents, according to the Orlando Sentinel. Oh, and Aunt Laura killed a 17-year-old when she ran a stop sign.