Build Date: Sun Oct 11 03:52:27 2026 UTC
I think if people are obliged to live without the satisfying and soul-enhancing qualities of WORK, they should be given something else in return, like LUXURIOUS SLOTH.
-- Mr. Bad
One From the Ladies Room
2003-07-11 16:29:28
For all you Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAG) out there who complain about not getting laid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: Women only like to have sex with jerks.
So, if you're not getting laid, then you need to get in touch with your Inner Jerk. Jerks, in order to get laid, endeavor to make attractive women BELIEVE that they WANT a relationship. Then, after the humiliating deed is accomplished, Jerks have an arsenal of trap door mannerisms, techniques and excuses at the ready to blast at the poor, unsuspecting, innocent they've lead astray. These include:
- I didn't realize that I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I'm fragile.
- I feel bad, I suck, you're too good for me.
- I need some space to sort things out.
- You're really great. I love hanging out with you. I'll call you.
- You are so special to me I want you to meet my MOM. Come to see The Ring Trilogy and she can sit BETWEEN us so you can get to know each other. You're gonna LOVE her! You are her type of woman.
- I decided I like your friend better and I slept with her after I left your house last night. sorry.
- I forgot to tell you that I HAVE a girlfriend, only she's on an extended road trip right now and we have this *agreement*. Thanks.
- I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you.
- My friend doesn't think you're pretty enough for me.
- I just don't feel like we, you know, "click" (you must actually make quote marks in the air with your fingers when you say this or it won't work).
- I cannot deny it anymore, I'm GAY and you really helped me get in touch with that and for that I will be eternally in your debt. Thank you SO much!
- Let's just be friends. I'll call you.
- I'll call you.
OR
- Make subsequent dates and reliably do not show up.
- Never have enough money on you to cover expenses for a date which you insisted you'd pay for.
- Make lots of unsolicited promises and break them.
- Make a dinner date and when you meet, tell her you already ate and you're not hungry.
- Never, ever have sex with her again, but lead her to believe that you will.
- Go to one of her events or her performance or someplace where she wants to be the STAR in your whirled. Ignore her, flirt with all of her girlfriends and on the ride home ask her all about their romantic availability and sexual interests.
- Never tell her she's attractive but constantly expound on every hot chick who crosses your path. OR, ask her lots of questions and while she's answering them, distract your attention with every woman who walks by.
- Tell her you saw something you wanted to buy for her but that it was too expensive.
- In the converse, bestow upon her lots of gifts which do not match her personality and taste in the slightest. It helps if you say something like, "My ex used to really like these" or "I found this and thought of you."
- Just before you're gonna get freaky and after she's nekkid, mention that she could benefit from doing more sit-ups.
- Tell her it takes her too long to cum and that she makes too much noise.
- Invite her to a party with all of your friends, fail to introduce her, ignore her and then get insanely jealous when she talks to anybody.
- TELL her you're only interested in monogamy. Then sleep around a lot behind her back and give her lots and lots of yeast and urinary tract infections. Extra points for chlamydia.
- Take her to Disneyland. Begin a bogus argument over the way she looked at the guy in line in front of you, storm off and abandon her there.
And, finally, my All Time Favorite:
- Get really irate over something insignificant. Pick up her cat and toss it in the air so that it hits the whirling ceiling fan and dies.
In conclusion, try harder.
T O P S T O R I E S
John Dvorak has passed. I’m of mixed emotions. First off I’m more positive about his contribution to the overall technology journalism of the early PC days through the 90s, despite how many things he got wrong. He was a firebrand and commanded attention. (More...)
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
Experimenter is a film released in 2015 starring Peter Sarsgaard. It tells the story of Dr. Stanley Milgram's life, including the infamous Milgram electric shock experiment, tests on crowds, and his work developing a theory on the mechanics of social networks. It currently streams on Netflix. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
