Journalists are only interested in buffets and vacations, which is not a bad ideal, really, but doesn't make them any more qualified to put stuff before the public record than you or I.
-- Tjames Madison
The War on Terrorism is a success! I witnessed this Anti-Terrorism
first hand last weekend on my way to an International Toy
Distribution Convention. The Airline Industry Security Measures
have virtually wiped out terrorism. There is just one minor
drawback, you must fly nude.
I arrived the requisite two hours before flight departure. Handing
over my luggage, I answered the Nice Desk Lady's questions. She
asked if I was meeting my boyfriend in Austin. I said I was meeting
several of my boyfriends in Austin. I strolled leisurely to the
Metal Detector Guard Service line.
"I'm afraid you'll have to open your carry on bag, Ma'am."
"Yessir."
"That Mini Mag Light could be used to whack the Pilots over the
head. We'll have to keep that. Nail clippers and tweezers
definitely won't be flying today. You could gag someone to death
with these tampons. You can't take this wire-bound note book -
wire." The Guard made a cute little over acted gesture like he was
being choked from behind. If only.
"Well thank YOU." Wiping fake sweat from my brow, I reached for my
bag.
"Not so fast Lady." He removed a pen and placed it in the discard
pile while pointing at his squinting eye.
"We'll have to search your clothing. Your shoes are awfully big and
clunky. They could knock someone out. Take them off. Nylon knee
highs and polyester coordinates can strangle. Is that an underwire
bra?"
I was provided with a doctor exam paper outfit and Japanese
restaurant paper shoes. "Thank you very much. I feel much safer
now. I'll just take the rest of my things and..."
"I can't let you do that. The paper in that notebook could cause a
mean paper cut. Or worse, slash an eye. And these books. Why, you
could read the Pilots to sleep. We can't have that. Knitting
needles? You might knit an Afghan." The Guard winked and chuckled
while mock stabbing himself.
"You may take your camera. But we have to keep the carry cord."
I boarded in the paper suit holding my ID, ticket and camera. The
flight crew smiled. One Flight Attendant wore a huge paper corsage,
Santa Claus slippers and Mardi Gras necklaces. Another Flight
Attendant also wore a big paper corsage. Blue party streamers, and
Happy Retirement banners festoon the interior. I took my seat as
Santa Slipper Lady offered me headphones. I asked if they cost
extra. She tossed them to me, "What are they going to do? Fire
me?"
The movie was Walt Disney's "Atlantis," which is a cartoon. No
charge for liquor. The ENTIRE can of juice. "Is that cake I
smell?" I was kind of hoping it was her perfume and had a little
daydream about how cool Cake Perfume would be. The cake came after
the movie. There was a contest to win two winery gift bags. The
first challenge was to guess the combined years of service of our
three Flight Attendants. The second was to guess the weight in
pounds of our plane at take off. The guy who guessed the fewest
number of combined service years, 65, won one. I'm sure he was a
terrorist. Such a fuss was made over him that we didn't find out
who won the other. Our two retiring Flight Attendants, Pam and Ann,
served 30 and 33 years respectively. Next flowed the champagne and
mimosas. Each passenger received a horn noise maker. The retiring
Flight Attendants commanded us to blow our horns while they
exclaimed "Gawd Bless America!" over the speaker at landing.
I commend the Airline Industry on their Anti-Terrorism methods.
Strip the potential perpetrator, then party her silly so you can
wrestle those eyebrow tweezers away from her. Hear! Hear! Naked
passengers and parties on every flight!
