The War on Terrorism is a success! I witnessed this Anti-Terrorism first hand last weekend on my way to an International Toy Distribution Convention. The Airline Industry Security Measures have virtually wiped out terrorism. There is just one minor drawback, you must fly nude.

I arrived the requisite two hours before flight departure. Handing over my luggage, I answered the Nice Desk Lady's questions. She asked if I was meeting my boyfriend in Austin. I said I was meeting several of my boyfriends in Austin. I strolled leisurely to the Metal Detector Guard Service line.

"I'm afraid you'll have to open your carry on bag, Ma'am."

"Yessir."

"That Mini Mag Light could be used to whack the Pilots over the head. We'll have to keep that. Nail clippers and tweezers definitely won't be flying today. You could gag someone to death with these tampons. You can't take this wire-bound note book - wire." The Guard made a cute little over acted gesture like he was being choked from behind. If only.

"Well thank YOU." Wiping fake sweat from my brow, I reached for my bag.

"Not so fast Lady." He removed a pen and placed it in the discard pile while pointing at his squinting eye.

"We'll have to search your clothing. Your shoes are awfully big and clunky. They could knock someone out. Take them off. Nylon knee highs and polyester coordinates can strangle. Is that an underwire bra?"

I was provided with a doctor exam paper outfit and Japanese restaurant paper shoes. "Thank you very much. I feel much safer now. I'll just take the rest of my things and..."

"I can't let you do that. The paper in that notebook could cause a mean paper cut. Or worse, slash an eye. And these books. Why, you could read the Pilots to sleep. We can't have that. Knitting needles? You might knit an Afghan." The Guard winked and chuckled while mock stabbing himself.

"You may take your camera. But we have to keep the carry cord."

I boarded in the paper suit holding my ID, ticket and camera. The flight crew smiled. One Flight Attendant wore a huge paper corsage, Santa Claus slippers and Mardi Gras necklaces. Another Flight Attendant also wore a big paper corsage. Blue party streamers, and Happy Retirement banners festoon the interior. I took my seat as Santa Slipper Lady offered me headphones. I asked if they cost extra. She tossed them to me, "What are they going to do? Fire me?"

The movie was Walt Disney's "Atlantis," which is a cartoon. No charge for liquor. The ENTIRE can of juice. "Is that cake I smell?" I was kind of hoping it was her perfume and had a little daydream about how cool Cake Perfume would be. The cake came after the movie. There was a contest to win two winery gift bags. The first challenge was to guess the combined years of service of our three Flight Attendants. The second was to guess the weight in pounds of our plane at take off. The guy who guessed the fewest number of combined service years, 65, won one. I'm sure he was a terrorist. Such a fuss was made over him that we didn't find out who won the other. Our two retiring Flight Attendants, Pam and Ann, served 30 and 33 years respectively. Next flowed the champagne and mimosas. Each passenger received a horn noise maker. The retiring Flight Attendants commanded us to blow our horns while they exclaimed "Gawd Bless America!" over the speaker at landing.

I commend the Airline Industry on their Anti-Terrorism methods. Strip the potential perpetrator, then party her silly so you can wrestle those eyebrow tweezers away from her. Hear! Hear! Naked passengers and parties on every flight!

laredo@pigdog.org